Everything has been pretty much perfect! And it's kinda been surreal you know?? I mean, I enjoy myself at sissys, doing something active pretty much every day and watching movies every night. I get a BOYFRIEND, *was that the 30th?* and we're planning on moving in together this month! Then I get home and my big sister has her baby shower, she got a lot of cool baby stuff, but I've yet to give her what I really wanted to get her. I think that I'll have to put that off for a while because I need all my money to make sure I can get that apartment o.O Anyway, the next day is floating on the river with the family and then watching a movie while attempting to talk to my boyfriend who is doing random what-nots. I'm pretty sure he was watching a movie too, lol. Anyway, now I'm ready to make a serious apartment choice *with my aunts help* and get ready to start packing my shit.
Here's my problem. Roxas. I love my boy so so much and it would just break my heart to have to send him to the pound. He's a sweet boy and most people wouldn't know it. He has terrible separation anxiety when mom, dad n' I aren't around, so moving him to someone else's home would devastate him. I want to take him with me soooo so bad!! But he's about 80lbs and that's over the weight limit for most apartments. I know it's an added responsibility, but I REALLY want to keep him in the family, and no one wants him because he can be so hyper, and he's definitely a people dog, you can't leave him outside alone for long at all before he starts yapping and destroying the door trying to get inside. I'm just scared because we need to get out of that apartment soon...my poor baby dog....
I hope and pray that something will allow me to keep him. I understand it's a new responsibility and I have to spend more money a month to feed my living security system, but I just....I really don't know what else to do with him.
Well I'm assuming since it's nearly 1:30pm I should get out of bed, lol. I'll call apartments later today or tomorrow and try to negotiate letting my dog come with me *sigh*
Monday, August 3, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Rantings of a bored teenager
So I'm no super upset this time. No instead it's just bored complaints and the like.
Today I took the kids out to McDonald's for a sundae because I'd promised Cohen that I'd take him and Adah to McD's when I got my license. Oh and dad called this morning, begging me to drive him back to ND. He said "I know you can do it, you've go a license now." DING DING DING!!! There was the first and foremost reason I waited this long to get my license. ANYWAY!!
I'm freakin' bored as hell, and it's kinda hot here @ Lesa's house. The living room is decent, but I love my coldy-coldness T_T blah blah blah.....
Ok I really am that flippin' bored. I need to go home cuz I have papers to mail!! But I don't wanna go over there with drunky-mc-drunkface over there >_< And now I'm hungry cuz I only had enough change for 2 sundaes XD Oh well, the kids were happy. I have a feeling they're going to start playing Nazi Zombies on WaW soon o.o They have all the Nazi Zombie map packs XD they're crazy!! Anyway.
Ok, I think I'll go eat now. I leave u with "Stop! Demyx Time!" XD it's a Kingdom Hearts cosplay show about Organization XII on youtube, it's kinda cute actually, lol
Bye bye
<3
Today I took the kids out to McDonald's for a sundae because I'd promised Cohen that I'd take him and Adah to McD's when I got my license. Oh and dad called this morning, begging me to drive him back to ND. He said "I know you can do it, you've go a license now." DING DING DING!!! There was the first and foremost reason I waited this long to get my license. ANYWAY!!
I'm freakin' bored as hell, and it's kinda hot here @ Lesa's house. The living room is decent, but I love my coldy-coldness T_T blah blah blah.....
Ok I really am that flippin' bored. I need to go home cuz I have papers to mail!! But I don't wanna go over there with drunky-mc-drunkface over there >_< And now I'm hungry cuz I only had enough change for 2 sundaes XD Oh well, the kids were happy. I have a feeling they're going to start playing Nazi Zombies on WaW soon o.o They have all the Nazi Zombie map packs XD they're crazy!! Anyway.
Ok, I think I'll go eat now. I leave u with "Stop! Demyx Time!" XD it's a Kingdom Hearts cosplay show about Organization XII on youtube, it's kinda cute actually, lol
Bye bye
<3
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Every little thing I do...
It seems even now, I've been quite happy for a few days. Very uncharacteristic for me, but no matter how good of a mood I'm in, I can always be made to cry. All it takes is a scolding from my mother because she's stressing, or even something as stupid as the guy who supposedly loves me gets angry because I'm not "laying in bed next to him" even tho he's millions of miles away.
I'm so sick of everything always being my fault, no matter who it's coming from or what I've done or didn't do, it's always my fucking fault!! Nothing I do can be appreciated by my family because they all expect more and more out of me. I can't keep up with their expectations and it makes me feel like complete and utter shit.
I wish everyone would just stop expecting anything of me. If I could just fade into oblivion without anyone noticeing, that would be just pure and utter bliss to me.
No longer anything at all to worry about. Not worrying about school, chores, boys ANYTHING!! Absolutely nothing....
This is bliss...
I'm so sick of everything always being my fault, no matter who it's coming from or what I've done or didn't do, it's always my fucking fault!! Nothing I do can be appreciated by my family because they all expect more and more out of me. I can't keep up with their expectations and it makes me feel like complete and utter shit.
I wish everyone would just stop expecting anything of me. If I could just fade into oblivion without anyone noticeing, that would be just pure and utter bliss to me.
No longer anything at all to worry about. Not worrying about school, chores, boys ANYTHING!! Absolutely nothing....
This is bliss...
Monday, July 6, 2009
Is it wrong?
How many years has it been since we've been together? How many girls has he been with since me? How many guys have approched me looking for a fling...or even a little more? Why is my heart still drawn to him? Is it wrong? Even after everything we've been through, why do I still give him the license to my heart?
I'm so hurt and so confused.
How do I make it stop hurting? How do I stop myself from crying for him at night? How do I get him off of my mind? How can I stop compairing a kiss with anyone, to a kiss with the man who's still got the pieces my heart? How can I love someone else, if my heart is no longer mine to give away? Tell me why? Is it wrong?
I've got someone who says he loves me and he'd give me the world. I know now that he's not the one, because I think of someone else when I'm hurting.
What do I tell him? What can I say?
I know I'll never be with the man that holds my heart again, and this fact kills me. But all I want in the entire world, is for him to hold me like he loves me. Like he used to.
Is it wrong?
I'm so hurt and so confused.
How do I make it stop hurting? How do I stop myself from crying for him at night? How do I get him off of my mind? How can I stop compairing a kiss with anyone, to a kiss with the man who's still got the pieces my heart? How can I love someone else, if my heart is no longer mine to give away? Tell me why? Is it wrong?
I've got someone who says he loves me and he'd give me the world. I know now that he's not the one, because I think of someone else when I'm hurting.
What do I tell him? What can I say?
I know I'll never be with the man that holds my heart again, and this fact kills me. But all I want in the entire world, is for him to hold me like he loves me. Like he used to.
Is it wrong?
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Who's that on my porch!?
Today was a much better day than the other day. But to catch you up to speed, lets start with yesterday...
It was round abouts of oh...10:30pm when I asked my loving mommy to borrow her car in hopes that I could go to a gathering of friends in the apartments behind winco and let them all know that I've been accepted into my number one college, classes start in September, I will be moving there sometime in august. ANYWAY
Mommy decides it's not that far and allows me to drive her car. I get there and of course, they is playing beer pong XD. I catch up with some homies I haven't seen in about a year and of course lose the game *oops XD*
Well unbeknownst to me, a phone call was made before I got there, and Irish n' Nic were on their way to chill out with us. It was a good thing, cuz Nic hadn't come n' seen Jojo yet. So the guys get there, with a Kemp taging along, the quiet child, lol. And the party proceeds to move inside the apt and outside on the patio for smokes. Round abouts of midnight-thirty Nic decides he wants to go home. Good gawd, he's driving O.O and home to Prosser no doubt. He says he's taking Irish & Kemp home with him. Now since Jojo and Irish are dating, Jojo gets invited to go to Prosser with them for the night. Penguin of course has to go where Jojo's going for the night, so Penguin also gets added to the list of tag alongs. They coerrse me to drive my moms car out to Prosser. EHHHHHH!!! BAD IDEA!! DING DING DING!!!!! So of course I refuse, all the while Nic is doing exactly what he knows will make me rape him o.O and everyone says that's so cruel, cuz I can't even go along so he can fix this problem he's creating. Kemp makes a phone call and says he's staying in town at one of their friends houses so I can go along. Great...now there's a seat open in Nic's SUV. I ran around the room asking "good idea, bad idea?" I honestly got less replies than I asked O.o
But I didn't wanna leave mom's car there and have mom flip out on me in the morning. So I asked them to follow me to my house and if mom was still awake, I'd ask her if I could go, and if not I'd leave her a note. I get home and of course, mom is still awake. I ask her to spend the night with Jojo and mommy says it's ok. So I grab some shorts and a tanktop and run out the door. That night I did something I won't regret, because number one: it's done and over with, so there's no use in regreting it, and number two: I enjoyed it >=D
Sorry if you wanna kill me or someone else or beat me with a stick, I LIKED it, and I wanted more XD But we cuddled a little bit *seeing as it was three in the bed and he kinda got pushed off XD* and of course there was lots of fun with Jojo, Irish n' Pengu. The next morning Penguin wakes up next to me and goes "where the fuck am I?" and Jojo n' I laugh and she goes "No dude, seriously! Where the fuck am I!?" we told her in Prosser and she chilled after a minute or so XD
We then were drove back to the Tri *ZOMG Nic's driving makes me nervous!!* taking ALLLLLLL the back roads *he claims he was cruising, I think he just didn't know where he was going XD* So the boys drop us off at Jojo's and mom then lets us buy pizza, yum. Then my mommy calls me and tells me to go walk the dog. I'm about to leave and I realize....I forgot my house keys T_T so Jojo n' I catch the bus to the mall and get there almost in time for her to get off work, so we just chilled. Then is when I realized I want a shelf of like 15 sex books in my apartment livingroom *nod nod* Like, posistions and how a man should treat a woman, stuff like that, ahahahah. But ya, we're plannin' for some swimming tomorrow!
I'm actually happy, I didn't think that doing something like that with someone who could've potentially killed me for a fling would make me feel so good =^^= Loves to all, I'm gonna try n' finish my FAFSA nao O.o
<3 Lady Rouge
It was round abouts of oh...10:30pm when I asked my loving mommy to borrow her car in hopes that I could go to a gathering of friends in the apartments behind winco and let them all know that I've been accepted into my number one college, classes start in September, I will be moving there sometime in august. ANYWAY
Mommy decides it's not that far and allows me to drive her car. I get there and of course, they is playing beer pong XD. I catch up with some homies I haven't seen in about a year and of course lose the game *oops XD*
Well unbeknownst to me, a phone call was made before I got there, and Irish n' Nic were on their way to chill out with us. It was a good thing, cuz Nic hadn't come n' seen Jojo yet. So the guys get there, with a Kemp taging along, the quiet child, lol. And the party proceeds to move inside the apt and outside on the patio for smokes. Round abouts of midnight-thirty Nic decides he wants to go home. Good gawd, he's driving O.O and home to Prosser no doubt. He says he's taking Irish & Kemp home with him. Now since Jojo and Irish are dating, Jojo gets invited to go to Prosser with them for the night. Penguin of course has to go where Jojo's going for the night, so Penguin also gets added to the list of tag alongs. They coerrse me to drive my moms car out to Prosser. EHHHHHH!!! BAD IDEA!! DING DING DING!!!!! So of course I refuse, all the while Nic is doing exactly what he knows will make me rape him o.O and everyone says that's so cruel, cuz I can't even go along so he can fix this problem he's creating. Kemp makes a phone call and says he's staying in town at one of their friends houses so I can go along. Great...now there's a seat open in Nic's SUV. I ran around the room asking "good idea, bad idea?" I honestly got less replies than I asked O.o
But I didn't wanna leave mom's car there and have mom flip out on me in the morning. So I asked them to follow me to my house and if mom was still awake, I'd ask her if I could go, and if not I'd leave her a note. I get home and of course, mom is still awake. I ask her to spend the night with Jojo and mommy says it's ok. So I grab some shorts and a tanktop and run out the door. That night I did something I won't regret, because number one: it's done and over with, so there's no use in regreting it, and number two: I enjoyed it >=D
Sorry if you wanna kill me or someone else or beat me with a stick, I LIKED it, and I wanted more XD But we cuddled a little bit *seeing as it was three in the bed and he kinda got pushed off XD* and of course there was lots of fun with Jojo, Irish n' Pengu. The next morning Penguin wakes up next to me and goes "where the fuck am I?" and Jojo n' I laugh and she goes "No dude, seriously! Where the fuck am I!?" we told her in Prosser and she chilled after a minute or so XD
We then were drove back to the Tri *ZOMG Nic's driving makes me nervous!!* taking ALLLLLLL the back roads *he claims he was cruising, I think he just didn't know where he was going XD* So the boys drop us off at Jojo's and mom then lets us buy pizza, yum. Then my mommy calls me and tells me to go walk the dog. I'm about to leave and I realize....I forgot my house keys T_T so Jojo n' I catch the bus to the mall and get there almost in time for her to get off work, so we just chilled. Then is when I realized I want a shelf of like 15 sex books in my apartment livingroom *nod nod* Like, posistions and how a man should treat a woman, stuff like that, ahahahah. But ya, we're plannin' for some swimming tomorrow!
I'm actually happy, I didn't think that doing something like that with someone who could've potentially killed me for a fling would make me feel so good =^^= Loves to all, I'm gonna try n' finish my FAFSA nao O.o
<3 Lady Rouge
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Bad Feelings...
I haven't written in quite awhile...but the tears in my eyes now are welling and screaming at me to write this down before my feelings pour out in blood instead of words.
Nic's been in town lately, and I know I have Sam, but honestly, as long as he's not here, he's virtually worthless to me. A few days ago I decided, again, against my better judgement, to go have some fun with a guy I'd just met that day, assured by a good friend that I'd like him. Sure, I liked him enough. Enough to do a little 69ing with him in his car. I knew nothing would come of it, just harmless fun right?
Well Nic wanted me to hang with him in richland tonight, mom actually said I could go, but she said I wasn't allowed to take the car...stranded. Stranded at home with permission to go out is one of the worst punishments in the world.
Anyway, so he kept calling and we we're BSin'. All of a sudden Irish shows up there and Nic n' Irish are walking to the store to get more booze. Nic goes "Hey Irish, how much you money you got? Could you spare some for a taxi for this female?" and Irish is like "Who's that?" Nic replies "My homegirl Alisha." this part was the worst.....
"Oh you don't want her..." Nic replies "No dude, do you even know who I'm talking about?" Irish replies with some wierd comment I can't hear and Nic goes "Dude, I'm talking about the asian one that I was with when you kidnapped me that day." and he goes "Ya, the one who gave casey head."
.............
Nic comes back to the phone kinda laughing and goes "Hey, I've got a question for you." and I reply with a quick "yes." and he proceeds to ask me if I gave knew casey and if I gave him head. Nic laughed, saying that it means I've gotten over him. I know I've been over Nic for a few months atleast now, but to have him laugh at me like that....
Now what was supposed to be harmless, shameless fun has resulted in me feeling like a big fucking whore. No, I refused his ton of begging for sex, but the fact still remains that I feel like a slut. And to hear "you don't want her" from someone who's supposed to be part of my family..........it fucking stings like no other. Nic apologized for bringing it up cuz I told him I felt like a cheap whore...he's become so sincere....but.....
I feel so horrible. And I feel bad that I even attempted to have that kind of fun. And what's worse, Casey has a girlfriend. They started going out just after our little "fun" night.
So as the hot tears proceed to roll down my face I sit here writing. Hopeing that just telling SOMEONE will make it just a little better. If Sam ever found out what I've done he'd call me a cheap whore and never speak to me again. Now at this point I admit that losing him wouldn't bother me a HUGE deal, because I know I'm not IN love with him. I love the way he calls me baby and the way he says he loves me and the way he claims I'm his entire world. He tried to break up with me the other day. Maybe I should just end it. He even had the nerve to tell me "Go be with your ex, you'll be happier that way." and he said it more than once, to "go be with my ex"
I'm at such a loss, I have no idea what to do anymore........Hopefully tomorrow will have a brighter side. But nothing can change the fact that I feel like a whore and have the mindset that no man will ever want me again.....
Nic's been in town lately, and I know I have Sam, but honestly, as long as he's not here, he's virtually worthless to me. A few days ago I decided, again, against my better judgement, to go have some fun with a guy I'd just met that day, assured by a good friend that I'd like him. Sure, I liked him enough. Enough to do a little 69ing with him in his car. I knew nothing would come of it, just harmless fun right?
Well Nic wanted me to hang with him in richland tonight, mom actually said I could go, but she said I wasn't allowed to take the car...stranded. Stranded at home with permission to go out is one of the worst punishments in the world.
Anyway, so he kept calling and we we're BSin'. All of a sudden Irish shows up there and Nic n' Irish are walking to the store to get more booze. Nic goes "Hey Irish, how much you money you got? Could you spare some for a taxi for this female?" and Irish is like "Who's that?" Nic replies "My homegirl Alisha." this part was the worst.....
"Oh you don't want her..." Nic replies "No dude, do you even know who I'm talking about?" Irish replies with some wierd comment I can't hear and Nic goes "Dude, I'm talking about the asian one that I was with when you kidnapped me that day." and he goes "Ya, the one who gave casey head."
.............
Nic comes back to the phone kinda laughing and goes "Hey, I've got a question for you." and I reply with a quick "yes." and he proceeds to ask me if I gave knew casey and if I gave him head. Nic laughed, saying that it means I've gotten over him. I know I've been over Nic for a few months atleast now, but to have him laugh at me like that....
Now what was supposed to be harmless, shameless fun has resulted in me feeling like a big fucking whore. No, I refused his ton of begging for sex, but the fact still remains that I feel like a slut. And to hear "you don't want her" from someone who's supposed to be part of my family..........it fucking stings like no other. Nic apologized for bringing it up cuz I told him I felt like a cheap whore...he's become so sincere....but.....
I feel so horrible. And I feel bad that I even attempted to have that kind of fun. And what's worse, Casey has a girlfriend. They started going out just after our little "fun" night.
So as the hot tears proceed to roll down my face I sit here writing. Hopeing that just telling SOMEONE will make it just a little better. If Sam ever found out what I've done he'd call me a cheap whore and never speak to me again. Now at this point I admit that losing him wouldn't bother me a HUGE deal, because I know I'm not IN love with him. I love the way he calls me baby and the way he says he loves me and the way he claims I'm his entire world. He tried to break up with me the other day. Maybe I should just end it. He even had the nerve to tell me "Go be with your ex, you'll be happier that way." and he said it more than once, to "go be with my ex"
I'm at such a loss, I have no idea what to do anymore........Hopefully tomorrow will have a brighter side. But nothing can change the fact that I feel like a whore and have the mindset that no man will ever want me again.....
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Phone Call From The Past...
Yesterday I got a phone call. One that I was sort of dreading....but was happy to recieve anyway. I was so so tired sunday *which was my cousin cohen's 5th b-day party* and I ended up trying to sleep on the grass in the park, but it was just too cold and I slept very restlessly. I went home and took a shower and passed the FUCK out...it was only like 9pm. My phone I left in the living room because that's where my charger sleeps and I slept with my mom cuz I was too tired to clean up the mess all over the couch.
So I woke up at like 9am the next day *I slept all night, wierd huh?* and I looked at my phone and it told me I had one missed call from 1am...who the hell calls me at 1am?? So I check the list to see who it was and guess what? It was none other than Nic...
He left a message on my phone that went something along the lines of: "Hey Alisha, it's me Ring. Callin' to say hey, but I guess you're not gonna answer your phone. I don't know, maybe you hate me or something. But anyway *blah blah blah*" right? So I laughed and I thought of leaving him a message: 'Hey Nic, it's me Alisha. Callin' to check up on you, but I guess you're not gonna answer your phone, I don't know, maybe you're gay or something.' lol, Anyway, I decided I'd call him later.
Everyone left the house to go shopping and I just wasn't up to the task, so I stayed home and lay in bed for a while before starting up Fiesta and succeeding to do nothing but sit next to a gate for an hour before I logged out again. Anyway, while I wasn't in the mood to play, my phone rang. ya...it was Nic.
He had just woken up, and his first impulse is to call me again? WTF is up with that!? Mais...It was so fun. We talked a little about what's goin' on with us lately. From the sound of it, he ditched his girlfriend again. But we also talked about us in the past...how we used to be and how things were back then. Against my better judgement I flirted shamelessly with the man who broke my heart...We talked for a good couple of hours before he had to go...I was happy....but.......sad at the same time...
I'm so extremely tired lately, no ammount of sleep seems to help. I slept a full 8 hours last night, and starting at 2pm I was already ready for sleep again. I'm feeling so extremely vulnerable too. My aunt came home today and made a comment about how I don't do anything so I should atleast do some cleaning around the house. Even though the comment was actually a shot at my uncles sister who lives down stairs...it really hurt to hear that from my aunt....It made me feel like crap and even now the voice in my head is screaming at me, reassuring me how worthless I am. It's days like this when I wish it was just over...everything....
I'm tired...I think I'm going to try to eat something and then maybe lay down...if they let me that is.....
So I woke up at like 9am the next day *I slept all night, wierd huh?* and I looked at my phone and it told me I had one missed call from 1am...who the hell calls me at 1am?? So I check the list to see who it was and guess what? It was none other than Nic...
He left a message on my phone that went something along the lines of: "Hey Alisha, it's me Ring. Callin' to say hey, but I guess you're not gonna answer your phone. I don't know, maybe you hate me or something. But anyway *blah blah blah*" right? So I laughed and I thought of leaving him a message: 'Hey Nic, it's me Alisha. Callin' to check up on you, but I guess you're not gonna answer your phone, I don't know, maybe you're gay or something.' lol, Anyway, I decided I'd call him later.
Everyone left the house to go shopping and I just wasn't up to the task, so I stayed home and lay in bed for a while before starting up Fiesta and succeeding to do nothing but sit next to a gate for an hour before I logged out again. Anyway, while I wasn't in the mood to play, my phone rang. ya...it was Nic.
He had just woken up, and his first impulse is to call me again? WTF is up with that!? Mais...It was so fun. We talked a little about what's goin' on with us lately. From the sound of it, he ditched his girlfriend again. But we also talked about us in the past...how we used to be and how things were back then. Against my better judgement I flirted shamelessly with the man who broke my heart...We talked for a good couple of hours before he had to go...I was happy....but.......sad at the same time...
I'm so extremely tired lately, no ammount of sleep seems to help. I slept a full 8 hours last night, and starting at 2pm I was already ready for sleep again. I'm feeling so extremely vulnerable too. My aunt came home today and made a comment about how I don't do anything so I should atleast do some cleaning around the house. Even though the comment was actually a shot at my uncles sister who lives down stairs...it really hurt to hear that from my aunt....It made me feel like crap and even now the voice in my head is screaming at me, reassuring me how worthless I am. It's days like this when I wish it was just over...everything....
I'm tired...I think I'm going to try to eat something and then maybe lay down...if they let me that is.....
Monday, April 20, 2009
Melodies of Life...
So there's this AMAZING contest on DeviantART that I wanna enter, which the picture has to be done by next month and I'm kinda freakin' out because my laptop is outta commission due to the damn cord is broken...AGAIN!! >_< This time it wasn't the power supply itself, it was the damn jack that broke off into my computer for no damn reason...ANYWAY!! The theme of the contest is "Good vs. Evil" ...now, this should be something I would JUMP at with my over willingness to draw angels and demons...but I don't want that to be in this picture. One of the things they're judging on is creativity, hence Angels*good* vs. Demons*evil* would be a "eh" idea compaired to the many amazing deviants on deviant art. So I got to thinking....What is "Good vs. Evil" and I thought...well it's essentially "right against wrong" and then I remembered a movie with the following line: "Good vs. Evil. Right against wrong. Doing what you think is right, even when no one else will help you." Which STILL didn't give me a great idea for my picture *sigh* Mais...
I was laying on the couch, dreadfully hot and wanting to sleep a bit before we head out to the gym and then off to the doctors office with my big sister. I was somewhat trying to fall asleep while listening to the music on my phone...which is all "danceish" music due to the fact that I listen to that when I'm working out...but...all of a sudden I wanted to listen to "Melodies of Life" from Final Fantasy IX...and I got a pained flash of me laying in bed...listening to this song....and the only thing I could think about was Nic....
So I opened up mom's laptop *which I have temporarily overed on to get my Fiesta fix* and drew up dizzler. I searched for "Melodies of Life" from FFIX...I also pulled up the lyrics...and as I lay here listening to that song...I couldn't help but cry...and the more I read the lyrics, the more I wanted to sob until I couldn't breath anymore...I could see myself...laying in bed with him...it was the first night we'd spent together. This song played pretty much all night long. And even now...I don't know why I'm crying...Do I miss him, or how he made me feel? All I know is that I'm confused...and still feel so, so alone.
There's an immense hole in my heart, and a giant tear ripped in my soul...at this point I'd give up pretty much anything for the pain to stop. My chest is heavy, and my heart feels twisted up and tight...just like when he....
I don't want to think about it...I want to cry until I'm numb and have nothing left to do except pass out...I think I'll just cry until someone wakes up...maybe it'll make me feel a little better....
I was laying on the couch, dreadfully hot and wanting to sleep a bit before we head out to the gym and then off to the doctors office with my big sister. I was somewhat trying to fall asleep while listening to the music on my phone...which is all "danceish" music due to the fact that I listen to that when I'm working out...but...all of a sudden I wanted to listen to "Melodies of Life" from Final Fantasy IX...and I got a pained flash of me laying in bed...listening to this song....and the only thing I could think about was Nic....
So I opened up mom's laptop *which I have temporarily overed on to get my Fiesta fix* and drew up dizzler. I searched for "Melodies of Life" from FFIX...I also pulled up the lyrics...and as I lay here listening to that song...I couldn't help but cry...and the more I read the lyrics, the more I wanted to sob until I couldn't breath anymore...I could see myself...laying in bed with him...it was the first night we'd spent together. This song played pretty much all night long. And even now...I don't know why I'm crying...Do I miss him, or how he made me feel? All I know is that I'm confused...and still feel so, so alone.
There's an immense hole in my heart, and a giant tear ripped in my soul...at this point I'd give up pretty much anything for the pain to stop. My chest is heavy, and my heart feels twisted up and tight...just like when he....
I don't want to think about it...I want to cry until I'm numb and have nothing left to do except pass out...I think I'll just cry until someone wakes up...maybe it'll make me feel a little better....
Sunday, April 12, 2009
My First SakuraCon
Ok so most of this SakuraCon was a scouting mission!! Didn't go to a lot of pannels or movies but instead did A LOT of walking!! Cosplay and Pictures. That's pretty much all this years SakuraCon was about. I'm ALREADY stoked about going next year!! Big things planned!! **Wants to plan and do a skit with my friends!!!!**
But for now, I will be happy with the videos on youtube and the millions of pictures from TONS of people all over the internet. Lovely Fox and Miss Loli took lots of pictures *my camera died and DOESN'T run on batteries* that I have amassed, but I'm too too lazy to upload the lot, ha! maybe in a few days my mind will change.
Ok so my last minute costume was TRUELY last minute, and I DEFINITELY be more prepaired for next year *omg, need advanced costume AND $1,000 for the MILLIONS of awesome things they sell there!!* I wasn't the only Night Class student *or Cross Academy Student for that matter* BUT!! I'm pretty sure mine was the only one that was made and not bought from a cosplay store. I was pretty happy with the way it all looked together =^^=
But I'm so tired, so I shall leave you with a video that is really cute *starts off a little boring, but then gets funny!* and the video that almost killed me *rofled to death* Enjoy them, I know I will, for they are forever in my favorites!
But for now, I will be happy with the videos on youtube and the millions of pictures from TONS of people all over the internet. Lovely Fox and Miss Loli took lots of pictures *my camera died and DOESN'T run on batteries* that I have amassed, but I'm too too lazy to upload the lot, ha! maybe in a few days my mind will change.
Ok so my last minute costume was TRUELY last minute, and I DEFINITELY be more prepaired for next year *omg, need advanced costume AND $1,000 for the MILLIONS of awesome things they sell there!!* I wasn't the only Night Class student *or Cross Academy Student for that matter* BUT!! I'm pretty sure mine was the only one that was made and not bought from a cosplay store. I was pretty happy with the way it all looked together =^^=
But I'm so tired, so I shall leave you with a video that is really cute *starts off a little boring, but then gets funny!* and the video that almost killed me *rofled to death* Enjoy them, I know I will, for they are forever in my favorites!
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Long and Drawn Out....
So nothing REALLY has changed since my last blog, but I did go to sissy's where we layed around the house all day watching anime, lol. I fell in love with Vampire Knight and decided to dress up as a Night Class Student from Cross Academy for Sakura-Con which I NEED to start making nowwwwwwwwwww >_<
But I guess I'm writing to tell of my stupid father rummaging thru my crap. Ya, he went into my room, into my closet and opened my closed and somewhat locked locker looking for scrap change to exchange for booze. On his crusade he happened to find my relatively unopened and unused under the bed bondage kit which I got like a year ago thanx to sissy *gift card!!*
I guess it's my fault that I just threw it in my locker on the bottom shelf and didn't "hide" it properly, but it was the only place to put it while Carl n' his family were in my room that I KNOW they wouldn't open. Hence my locker was shut and had my ID wrapped around the damn handles.
Since he dared rummage thru my locker, that makes me sure that he went thru the cupboard next to my bed *which has my ICP necklace wrapped around ALL the handles* and found my vibrator too which I DID hide in a bag in the back of my locker on the bottom shelf, but took it out when I moved back in with my dad *before he was sent away that is >.>* damn it >_<
ANYWAY, I've found some AMAZING Vampire Knight art and I REALLY wanna try making some, also making some chibi's of the Ouran High School Host Club, especially the Hitachiin Twins!!!!!!!!!! <33333333333333333333333333333333 And of course the amazing Tamaki Suou! But I've been kind of...out drawn lately...even with the new inspiration to make some awesome work...I just feel...drained...
I also want to write some more fanfics!! I haven't written any in years!! I feel rusty, but I KNOW I can still do better then some of the crap I attempted to read today!! It makes me think, "Hey! I should write a story and then turn it into a doujinshi!!" But a solo project like that is so time consuming, and with my lack of true inspiriation *instead of spikes of interest* and nothing to keep me going makes me hesitate. The drawings are definitely possible, and the drafts or or raw versions of fanfics are easy, but a whole doujin!? I'd need atleast ONE person telling me all the time that it needs to be done!!
Anyway, I going to finish watching Family Guy and read sum more doujin/fanfics.
Love!
P.S. I'll check in right before Sakura-Con to put down some pre-con feelings and jitters!!
But I guess I'm writing to tell of my stupid father rummaging thru my crap. Ya, he went into my room, into my closet and opened my closed and somewhat locked locker looking for scrap change to exchange for booze. On his crusade he happened to find my relatively unopened and unused under the bed bondage kit which I got like a year ago thanx to sissy *gift card!!*
I guess it's my fault that I just threw it in my locker on the bottom shelf and didn't "hide" it properly, but it was the only place to put it while Carl n' his family were in my room that I KNOW they wouldn't open. Hence my locker was shut and had my ID wrapped around the damn handles.
Since he dared rummage thru my locker, that makes me sure that he went thru the cupboard next to my bed *which has my ICP necklace wrapped around ALL the handles* and found my vibrator too which I DID hide in a bag in the back of my locker on the bottom shelf, but took it out when I moved back in with my dad *before he was sent away that is >.>* damn it >_<
ANYWAY, I've found some AMAZING Vampire Knight art and I REALLY wanna try making some, also making some chibi's of the Ouran High School Host Club, especially the Hitachiin Twins!!!!!!!!!! <33333333333333333333333333333333 And of course the amazing Tamaki Suou! But I've been kind of...out drawn lately...even with the new inspiration to make some awesome work...I just feel...drained...
I also want to write some more fanfics!! I haven't written any in years!! I feel rusty, but I KNOW I can still do better then some of the crap I attempted to read today!! It makes me think, "Hey! I should write a story and then turn it into a doujinshi!!" But a solo project like that is so time consuming, and with my lack of true inspiriation *instead of spikes of interest* and nothing to keep me going makes me hesitate. The drawings are definitely possible, and the drafts or or raw versions of fanfics are easy, but a whole doujin!? I'd need atleast ONE person telling me all the time that it needs to be done!!
Anyway, I going to finish watching Family Guy and read sum more doujin/fanfics.
Love!
P.S. I'll check in right before Sakura-Con to put down some pre-con feelings and jitters!!
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Blood
I saw blood tonight and it's not even a full moon...
No...It wasn't my own blood. It was the blood of my drunken father. Dried on his hand from a gash in his head.
It was a little after 11pm when mom came out into the living room and told me to go with her to the apartment. Dad had called her and told her that he'd fallen, hit his head, and that he was bleeding. Fearing for his life, we both rushed over to the apartment. He was fine. It wasn't a huge gash, but it was a decent sized one that he'll DEFINITELY feel in the morning, just above his right brow.
He kept ragging on me for "pretending to be a vampire" and not wanting to stare at the dried blood on his hand in awe. Then he kept demanding that I give him a lighter, like I'm supposed to carry one on me at all times. Mom and I walked out...
I really don't know how much more of this I can handle, I'm going to break soon, and when I do, it won't be pretty. I'm afraid that no ammount of talking to anyone over this is going to help me. I need a distraction. I need a man, of course, that's sadly the only thing that will keep my mind off of being miserable. I am a codependant, like my mom. I'm severly dependant on the prescence of a man in my life, and since my dad is no longer an option, my craving for a lover has increased 200 fold. I'm scared, angry and sad all at the same time.
What will happen to me if dad decides to take himself up on his offer of "going to the spirit world?" I'm scared to think of it, all my emotions bundle up even thinking of it....if it actually happens.............
What kind of lives must my family have lead to get this kind of sorrow and pain? I was talking with Raimey the other day...and we realized how sad it is...we're only 19, and we're ready to be done. Too much greif in my short life blocks out all the good things that've happened. My mind tends to dwell on things I did wrong, things I could've done better, things that make me sad and things that hurt me. In some sick sadistic way...I think I like hurting. I like the feeling because I can't seem to find even a glimmer of what was once true happiness. Too small the light in my heart, the flame grows duller and duller with each bad occurance, making the dark grow stronger around me. Trapping me once again...
I need something to do to distract me...I'm going to finish the picture I left to rush over to the apartment now...
No...It wasn't my own blood. It was the blood of my drunken father. Dried on his hand from a gash in his head.
It was a little after 11pm when mom came out into the living room and told me to go with her to the apartment. Dad had called her and told her that he'd fallen, hit his head, and that he was bleeding. Fearing for his life, we both rushed over to the apartment. He was fine. It wasn't a huge gash, but it was a decent sized one that he'll DEFINITELY feel in the morning, just above his right brow.
He kept ragging on me for "pretending to be a vampire" and not wanting to stare at the dried blood on his hand in awe. Then he kept demanding that I give him a lighter, like I'm supposed to carry one on me at all times. Mom and I walked out...
I really don't know how much more of this I can handle, I'm going to break soon, and when I do, it won't be pretty. I'm afraid that no ammount of talking to anyone over this is going to help me. I need a distraction. I need a man, of course, that's sadly the only thing that will keep my mind off of being miserable. I am a codependant, like my mom. I'm severly dependant on the prescence of a man in my life, and since my dad is no longer an option, my craving for a lover has increased 200 fold. I'm scared, angry and sad all at the same time.
What will happen to me if dad decides to take himself up on his offer of "going to the spirit world?" I'm scared to think of it, all my emotions bundle up even thinking of it....if it actually happens.............
What kind of lives must my family have lead to get this kind of sorrow and pain? I was talking with Raimey the other day...and we realized how sad it is...we're only 19, and we're ready to be done. Too much greif in my short life blocks out all the good things that've happened. My mind tends to dwell on things I did wrong, things I could've done better, things that make me sad and things that hurt me. In some sick sadistic way...I think I like hurting. I like the feeling because I can't seem to find even a glimmer of what was once true happiness. Too small the light in my heart, the flame grows duller and duller with each bad occurance, making the dark grow stronger around me. Trapping me once again...
I need something to do to distract me...I'm going to finish the picture I left to rush over to the apartment now...
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
For a change...
For a change I have nothing ill to say in this installment of my "online journal." Today I leveled up Trinity from 30-33! Quite an accomplishment I'd say. But I do have to say that it would've been harder and much more painstaking then it was if Adah didn't volunteer to play as Trinity and follow me around. Although I am pretty tired right now, considering that I'm on a somewhat normal sleeping schedule.
Mom bet me the other night that the Joker suit in Fiesta was permanent for a week, I bet her 25s *in-game currency* that it wasn't a permanent, it was just put special in Remy's Rare Finds. We're gonna find out in a little bit who is 25s richer, lol.
Anyway, I had a little chat with Manu tonight. He's been kind of an ass lately and because of my current home situation, I've had an extremely short fuse and not able to put up with what would normally make me shake my head and call him an idiot. But I explained my living situation and he did have his little pervy, smart-assness to add in, but he did call me baby and give a small ammount of comfort, which did make me feel a little better. I know...it's so easy to melt me if you're a male. I'm deprived, what can I say, I'm absolutely craving for a good man in my life.
btw:
OMG WOOT!! I totally just won 25s, I KNEW I should've made it 10g instead, lmao.
But I digress...
it's 10, I should be sleeping, I'm gonna hop on the shower for a bit and drift on off to a place where the perfect guy is waiting for me. I wish he'd come out of there >_<
Mom bet me the other night that the Joker suit in Fiesta was permanent for a week, I bet her 25s *in-game currency* that it wasn't a permanent, it was just put special in Remy's Rare Finds. We're gonna find out in a little bit who is 25s richer, lol.
Anyway, I had a little chat with Manu tonight. He's been kind of an ass lately and because of my current home situation, I've had an extremely short fuse and not able to put up with what would normally make me shake my head and call him an idiot. But I explained my living situation and he did have his little pervy, smart-assness to add in, but he did call me baby and give a small ammount of comfort, which did make me feel a little better. I know...it's so easy to melt me if you're a male. I'm deprived, what can I say, I'm absolutely craving for a good man in my life.
btw:
OMG WOOT!! I totally just won 25s, I KNEW I should've made it 10g instead, lmao.
But I digress...
it's 10, I should be sleeping, I'm gonna hop on the shower for a bit and drift on off to a place where the perfect guy is waiting for me. I wish he'd come out of there >_<
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Run out
Yesterday dad was released from his cage. He was happy to be free. I'm sitting there playing Fiesta, trying to get my Cleric and her boyfriend to lvl 60 while talking to dad about random bs when all of a sudden, he says "You do know that I'm drinking right? I'm drinking right now." and I ask him what he's drinking and he replys "Alcohol. Can't you tell?"
In all honesty, yes, I can tell. But I thought he was talking the way he was because of the anti-depressants that had been prescribed to him. He was already done with the bottle of that god forsaken Monarch, so I let him down the last drop of it, thinking that mom was coming up the stairs. He then proceded to throw the bottle out the balcony door.
Dad asked if I could take him home to North Dakota. I said I would, I'd take him there, drop him off and then come back home in the truck, me and a friend. He kept asking and asking and I kept telling him yes, and yes. I even called my friend and asked if she could come with us next week. Dad left to get something out of the truck, which I thought were going to be cigarettes. Wrong. He walks into the house with another bottle of Monarch. So as soon as he starts drinking it I stood up and requested that he give me the bottle. He refused. I got so upset! I kept demanding the bottle and he kept telling me no. So I told him I'd call the cops if he didn't give me the number to the place in which he'd JUST been earlier that morning. He didn't like either idea and kept spouting off bullshit on how I didn't understand.
I was crying in my room at this point and I'd finally gotten ahold of mom who quickly came home. Oh and how embarassing is this? I opened the door thinking it was mom, tears streaming down my face and a hateful and hurt expression in my eyes and it was the pizza guy. Damn it...and I really wanted some of that pizza too. Now I'm sitting here in this bedroom, back at Lesa's house, wishing for some of that pizza....damn I'm hungry....
Anyway, Dad made me call Paul, a friend of his who is an alcohol abuse counselor and he made me sit in the living room listening to his conversation. In walks mom but I don't really notice the expression on her face...all I can think about is how alone and helpless I feel. I can feel the void closing in on me once again, and this time, I don't think I'll get away. The icy grip that pulls me down into nothingness, where all my hope and ambition is gone...Last time I had Nic to pull me out of it, he helped me so much, and it's because of him that I stopped hurting myself. But now I'm alone, so very alone...and i'm scared.
I've been run out of my home, left my dad and my dog. I'm back here at my aunts house, little to no privacy once again. I love being here, but sometimes I just need to be alone. I need to think without being interrupted by screaming children or barking dogs.
My birthday is this saturday...That reminds me...I need to call Erin...
In all honesty, yes, I can tell. But I thought he was talking the way he was because of the anti-depressants that had been prescribed to him. He was already done with the bottle of that god forsaken Monarch, so I let him down the last drop of it, thinking that mom was coming up the stairs. He then proceded to throw the bottle out the balcony door.
Dad asked if I could take him home to North Dakota. I said I would, I'd take him there, drop him off and then come back home in the truck, me and a friend. He kept asking and asking and I kept telling him yes, and yes. I even called my friend and asked if she could come with us next week. Dad left to get something out of the truck, which I thought were going to be cigarettes. Wrong. He walks into the house with another bottle of Monarch. So as soon as he starts drinking it I stood up and requested that he give me the bottle. He refused. I got so upset! I kept demanding the bottle and he kept telling me no. So I told him I'd call the cops if he didn't give me the number to the place in which he'd JUST been earlier that morning. He didn't like either idea and kept spouting off bullshit on how I didn't understand.
I was crying in my room at this point and I'd finally gotten ahold of mom who quickly came home. Oh and how embarassing is this? I opened the door thinking it was mom, tears streaming down my face and a hateful and hurt expression in my eyes and it was the pizza guy. Damn it...and I really wanted some of that pizza too. Now I'm sitting here in this bedroom, back at Lesa's house, wishing for some of that pizza....damn I'm hungry....
Anyway, Dad made me call Paul, a friend of his who is an alcohol abuse counselor and he made me sit in the living room listening to his conversation. In walks mom but I don't really notice the expression on her face...all I can think about is how alone and helpless I feel. I can feel the void closing in on me once again, and this time, I don't think I'll get away. The icy grip that pulls me down into nothingness, where all my hope and ambition is gone...Last time I had Nic to pull me out of it, he helped me so much, and it's because of him that I stopped hurting myself. But now I'm alone, so very alone...and i'm scared.
I've been run out of my home, left my dad and my dog. I'm back here at my aunts house, little to no privacy once again. I love being here, but sometimes I just need to be alone. I need to think without being interrupted by screaming children or barking dogs.
My birthday is this saturday...That reminds me...I need to call Erin...
Saturday, March 7, 2009
A Dream or a Nightmare?
So last night I dreamt of something I possibly shouldn't have...
And this isn't the first time I've dreamt of it...
In fact, I've dreamt of it quite frequently lately....
And I don't know why...
There I was some weird kind of "after christmas" setting where we're taking down a tree that's in the front yard of what is assumed as my grandma's house. I'm talking to my mom, and laughing, everything is great! I even got to bring home a large stuffed bear, who very much resembles Klondike, the white bear sissy bought me for christmas a few years ago. Also I had a white mouse? I put them in the car and for some reason decided to lay on the grass wrapped in some sort of blanket. My head is kinda hanging off the edge, since the lawn is raised from the sidewalk about a foot or so...no...in my dream it's raised more like 5.5 feet from the ground. It's night time and the streetlights are on. They're still working on the tree as I lay there, and I look out toward the streetlight. I see a man cross the road behind me, and another person turns the corner and starts walking towards me. My heart kind of jumps, and for some reason I know exactly who it is, even though it's dark and he's wearing a hoodie. As he approaches I turn around on my stomach, staring at him. He stops just beneath me and pulls off his hoodie, he's smiling. For some reason he's wearing a chicks white hoodie with markings that resemble Louis Vuitton and a zip up sweater over that. I push myself up on my elbow and smile at him. I remember saying "What the hell are you wearing??" and laughing. I assume it's his girlfriends... I lean down and give him a hug and fluff his hair, which, betraying recent photo's, is short, manageable and very...normal looking. In fact, everything about him is....normal looking. Some how we end up in the house talking to the family who is cleaning the place top to bottom, some what resembling "spring cleaning" I remember lots of hugs and laughing...and even a few stray looks between us. I even remember at some point, while sitting next to him, I reached up behind him and ran my fingers through the back of his hair and pulled, causing a slight hiss and a little tension in his body as I grinned inwardly to myself.
I don't remember much more beside the fact that someone, Lala, I believe, came down the stairs and wanted us to play a game something along the lines of "gummy bingo" where the bingo chips were edible gummies. But that aside....
I've been dreaming about him alot lately. And it's always the same type of dream. He's happy, and flirty but he always comes to see me alone. What does it mean? Does it mean that I want him to be alone, because I need the love he used to give me? Does it mean he wants me back? Or is it just me that wants him back? I'm so confused. How can I like another person, and still dream of the one that left me? I've been laying in bed since 3am, thinking about writing this...now that I have I don't know what else to do...It's kind of scaring me actually...
And this isn't the first time I've dreamt of it...
In fact, I've dreamt of it quite frequently lately....
And I don't know why...
There I was some weird kind of "after christmas" setting where we're taking down a tree that's in the front yard of what is assumed as my grandma's house. I'm talking to my mom, and laughing, everything is great! I even got to bring home a large stuffed bear, who very much resembles Klondike, the white bear sissy bought me for christmas a few years ago. Also I had a white mouse? I put them in the car and for some reason decided to lay on the grass wrapped in some sort of blanket. My head is kinda hanging off the edge, since the lawn is raised from the sidewalk about a foot or so...no...in my dream it's raised more like 5.5 feet from the ground. It's night time and the streetlights are on. They're still working on the tree as I lay there, and I look out toward the streetlight. I see a man cross the road behind me, and another person turns the corner and starts walking towards me. My heart kind of jumps, and for some reason I know exactly who it is, even though it's dark and he's wearing a hoodie. As he approaches I turn around on my stomach, staring at him. He stops just beneath me and pulls off his hoodie, he's smiling. For some reason he's wearing a chicks white hoodie with markings that resemble Louis Vuitton and a zip up sweater over that. I push myself up on my elbow and smile at him. I remember saying "What the hell are you wearing??" and laughing. I assume it's his girlfriends... I lean down and give him a hug and fluff his hair, which, betraying recent photo's, is short, manageable and very...normal looking. In fact, everything about him is....normal looking. Some how we end up in the house talking to the family who is cleaning the place top to bottom, some what resembling "spring cleaning" I remember lots of hugs and laughing...and even a few stray looks between us. I even remember at some point, while sitting next to him, I reached up behind him and ran my fingers through the back of his hair and pulled, causing a slight hiss and a little tension in his body as I grinned inwardly to myself.
I don't remember much more beside the fact that someone, Lala, I believe, came down the stairs and wanted us to play a game something along the lines of "gummy bingo" where the bingo chips were edible gummies. But that aside....
I've been dreaming about him alot lately. And it's always the same type of dream. He's happy, and flirty but he always comes to see me alone. What does it mean? Does it mean that I want him to be alone, because I need the love he used to give me? Does it mean he wants me back? Or is it just me that wants him back? I'm so confused. How can I like another person, and still dream of the one that left me? I've been laying in bed since 3am, thinking about writing this...now that I have I don't know what else to do...It's kind of scaring me actually...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
It's in my blood
I saw my dad today...he's a little shakey and kind of talks in circles. More like talks in squiggly lines. He's trying to get used to his meds. They have him on super vitamins, anti-depressants and something to help his blood pressure while he detoxes off the alcohol and nicotine. He's been officially diagnosed with a type of severe depression. That makes three of us in the family...
My big sister was diagnosed with depression when she was about 17 or so. I've been feeling the effects and trying my damnedest to cope with it without meds for some years now. I don't know, maybe it's just sympathy depression or something. I am, after all, a very sensitive person. My sister seems to be making it fine, but her life is in a much better place right now.
It seems that I'm staying in this apartment alone for another month. It's kinda like having my own apartment without the responsibility of paying bills. It's really nice, and the only thing I'm lonely for is male attention.
Damn boys. It's been a little over two weeks since I've gotten the attention I crave. That sweet, sweet addicting pleasure that floods my system when a guy seems truely interested in me. I keep wishing he'll call. I even called and texted him a few days ago to no luck. I'm starting to feel like he was never interested all that much to begin with. I was just the prettiest girl around who was giving him attention...I mean, if a guy likes you, he'd find a way to get ahold of you two weeks after he's met you right? I don't need to see the movie "He's just not that into you" to know that he really isn't...even that I really wanna see that movie, ha.
Oh I don't know anymore. The more I try to relax the more stessed I get. Maybe I've got some anxiety issues as well. Mom does. Hell...maybe if I finally fly for myself then I'll be happier...I don't know...
On the other hand I'm pretty excited about SakuraCon in April, I wanna go oh so bad! Mom is very against me going, because it's in Seattle. She doesn't seem to believe that I'm going to go to college there this fall. I'm starting to not believe it either. I mean, is it just me, or does everyone wish they had more time to do absolutely nothing? Maybe I'm just scared to actually start a life that's my own, I mean truely my own. I know I'm scared...But I don't think I'm THAT scared... Well I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it...
My birthday is in about a week and a half. I got my first lover for my 16th birthday, who says that I can't get another for my 19th? It's way past due that I got a new man to dote on me anyway. But I guess all I can do is hope and pray. Pray that God takes pity on my lonely, tortured heart and sends me a man to help super glue the damned thing together.
Anyway, it's almost midnight. I think I'll play a few rounds of CoD4 now...
My big sister was diagnosed with depression when she was about 17 or so. I've been feeling the effects and trying my damnedest to cope with it without meds for some years now. I don't know, maybe it's just sympathy depression or something. I am, after all, a very sensitive person. My sister seems to be making it fine, but her life is in a much better place right now.
It seems that I'm staying in this apartment alone for another month. It's kinda like having my own apartment without the responsibility of paying bills. It's really nice, and the only thing I'm lonely for is male attention.
Damn boys. It's been a little over two weeks since I've gotten the attention I crave. That sweet, sweet addicting pleasure that floods my system when a guy seems truely interested in me. I keep wishing he'll call. I even called and texted him a few days ago to no luck. I'm starting to feel like he was never interested all that much to begin with. I was just the prettiest girl around who was giving him attention...I mean, if a guy likes you, he'd find a way to get ahold of you two weeks after he's met you right? I don't need to see the movie "He's just not that into you" to know that he really isn't...even that I really wanna see that movie, ha.
Oh I don't know anymore. The more I try to relax the more stessed I get. Maybe I've got some anxiety issues as well. Mom does. Hell...maybe if I finally fly for myself then I'll be happier...I don't know...
On the other hand I'm pretty excited about SakuraCon in April, I wanna go oh so bad! Mom is very against me going, because it's in Seattle. She doesn't seem to believe that I'm going to go to college there this fall. I'm starting to not believe it either. I mean, is it just me, or does everyone wish they had more time to do absolutely nothing? Maybe I'm just scared to actually start a life that's my own, I mean truely my own. I know I'm scared...But I don't think I'm THAT scared... Well I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it...
My birthday is in about a week and a half. I got my first lover for my 16th birthday, who says that I can't get another for my 19th? It's way past due that I got a new man to dote on me anyway. But I guess all I can do is hope and pray. Pray that God takes pity on my lonely, tortured heart and sends me a man to help super glue the damned thing together.
Anyway, it's almost midnight. I think I'll play a few rounds of CoD4 now...
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
rants and raves of a love deprived girl
Do you ever find yourself wondering about how much we take for granted in life, and then wonder how to fix it but not really do anything about it? Do you ever find that we take life in general for granted??
Anyway...So continues with the BS of my life. Dad didn't get drunk and kill himself yesterday, like he called at 2AM and threatened to do. No he ended up calling the cops on himself and getting sent to the hospital. But not just any hospital, oh no. The mental hospital. That's right...I mean, how drunk do you have to be before they stick you in a mental institute!?!? *sigh* So I'm here alone in this apartment with my faithful Roxas, playing Call of Duty and trying to forget that someone I hope to call is ACTUALLY going to call me.
It's times like this when I wish I had a boyfriend that could come over and cuddle with me all night long, so I wouldn't have to be here alone...Where is that person when I need him damn it!? Stupid boys who never have minutes >_< They call you the next day, making you think that they're all interested in you, and then you can't get a hold of them again for another week!! Damn it, is this all boys?? Or just ones that I seem to like?? o.O
Anyway...(T_T) Not that I mind being alone, I mean, mom did come over and offer to take me to my aunts for the night. I refused. I still need my time alone. Not to mention I have to comtemplate if I should really drive my dad back to North Dakota when he gets out in a few days...He gurantees a way for me to get home, by plane, or train, or bus or something like that...but I'm kinda scared to drive all the way there. That's like a 14 hour trip! Granted that most of it is High Way, so it won't be so bad. Mom thinks it's not a bad idea, since I'm not doing anything right now...I don't know...
Anyway, my Birthday is in a couple of months, I think that I'll put up some kind of random wish list. Right now all I'm sure I want is enough money to go to Sakura-Con in April...
Hmmm, maybe I should've gone back to lesa's....I'm so behind on my college crap it's not even funny. I think I'll just wing it instead of taking it to Mr. Bissell or Mrs. Ard. I think I'll send all my stuff in before Sakura Con on April 10th. That's what I'll shoot for.
*sigh* I'm so bored...I think I'm done for now. Oh!! And my baby dragon hatched, I'm so happy =^^= I'm gonna go gets him a girlfriend =^^=
Anyway...So continues with the BS of my life. Dad didn't get drunk and kill himself yesterday, like he called at 2AM and threatened to do. No he ended up calling the cops on himself and getting sent to the hospital. But not just any hospital, oh no. The mental hospital. That's right...I mean, how drunk do you have to be before they stick you in a mental institute!?!? *sigh* So I'm here alone in this apartment with my faithful Roxas, playing Call of Duty and trying to forget that someone I hope to call is ACTUALLY going to call me.
It's times like this when I wish I had a boyfriend that could come over and cuddle with me all night long, so I wouldn't have to be here alone...Where is that person when I need him damn it!? Stupid boys who never have minutes >_< They call you the next day, making you think that they're all interested in you, and then you can't get a hold of them again for another week!! Damn it, is this all boys?? Or just ones that I seem to like?? o.O
Anyway...(T_T) Not that I mind being alone, I mean, mom did come over and offer to take me to my aunts for the night. I refused. I still need my time alone. Not to mention I have to comtemplate if I should really drive my dad back to North Dakota when he gets out in a few days...He gurantees a way for me to get home, by plane, or train, or bus or something like that...but I'm kinda scared to drive all the way there. That's like a 14 hour trip! Granted that most of it is High Way, so it won't be so bad. Mom thinks it's not a bad idea, since I'm not doing anything right now...I don't know...
Anyway, my Birthday is in a couple of months, I think that I'll put up some kind of random wish list. Right now all I'm sure I want is enough money to go to Sakura-Con in April...
Hmmm, maybe I should've gone back to lesa's....I'm so behind on my college crap it's not even funny. I think I'll just wing it instead of taking it to Mr. Bissell or Mrs. Ard. I think I'll send all my stuff in before Sakura Con on April 10th. That's what I'll shoot for.
*sigh* I'm so bored...I think I'm done for now. Oh!! And my baby dragon hatched, I'm so happy =^^= I'm gonna go gets him a girlfriend =^^=
Thursday, February 19, 2009
It Starts...
I've done this blogging thing for years, but it's never been published. Random words, thoughts and feelings packed into a bulletin or an open document page on my computer. Never have they been so specified for someones viewing. Even now I don't know who will read this besides possibly my sister, but I think it's time to tell the world the things that end up in the trash or deleted by myspace.
Well for those of you who don't know, I've been living at my aunts house since about Halloween time. My parents are in their little tiff and I'm afraid that my mom is going to divorce my dad. I know that it would be in her best interest, but it still hurts...
I'm back at home now, this being only my second day back in my room for nearly half a year. I was kicked out of my room by my dad's cousin and his family. I've been sleeping on couches since then, I was just sick and tired of it. Guess what, dad's drinking. Yes right now. I was asleep and he slipped out for a "half a case" Right now I'm hiding in my room listening to the antics of SpongeBob on my tv, trying to drown out the sound of my buzzed father talking shit to little kids playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare out in the living room. Unfortunately for me, my door is open, so the dog can come and go as he pleases.
We got into a little spat today, my dad n' I, when I caught him with a 12 pack of booze, over his willing or "wanting"ness to stop drinking. So in an effort to be my dad's backbone, cuz he obviously doesn't have one, I took his keys to the truck and his wallet. Considering that he's nearly crippled and not supposed to be driving anyway, I'd say this is an extremely good thing.
But it's not all bad. Mainly I'm glad to have my own space back. I mean, I adore all my cousins at my aunts, and of course I love my aunts company, but even though I had my own room there before my mom moved in, it still wasn't "my" space if you catch my drift.
I'm a little down in the dumps, cuz the first guy I've actually had a crush on since my ex is being a complete and utter asshole to me, and the way he makes me feel isn't even worth talking to him right now. But good news, I found someone else to give attention to when I was at RadCon, I wish he'd call...
Well in ending this randomness floating through my mind right now, I'm going to say a prayer for Aubrey, her family and the little girl who left them behind yesterday. All my love, R.I.P. Emily Angel Rose.
Well for those of you who don't know, I've been living at my aunts house since about Halloween time. My parents are in their little tiff and I'm afraid that my mom is going to divorce my dad. I know that it would be in her best interest, but it still hurts...
I'm back at home now, this being only my second day back in my room for nearly half a year. I was kicked out of my room by my dad's cousin and his family. I've been sleeping on couches since then, I was just sick and tired of it. Guess what, dad's drinking. Yes right now. I was asleep and he slipped out for a "half a case" Right now I'm hiding in my room listening to the antics of SpongeBob on my tv, trying to drown out the sound of my buzzed father talking shit to little kids playing Call of Duty: Modern Warfare out in the living room. Unfortunately for me, my door is open, so the dog can come and go as he pleases.
We got into a little spat today, my dad n' I, when I caught him with a 12 pack of booze, over his willing or "wanting"ness to stop drinking. So in an effort to be my dad's backbone, cuz he obviously doesn't have one, I took his keys to the truck and his wallet. Considering that he's nearly crippled and not supposed to be driving anyway, I'd say this is an extremely good thing.
But it's not all bad. Mainly I'm glad to have my own space back. I mean, I adore all my cousins at my aunts, and of course I love my aunts company, but even though I had my own room there before my mom moved in, it still wasn't "my" space if you catch my drift.
I'm a little down in the dumps, cuz the first guy I've actually had a crush on since my ex is being a complete and utter asshole to me, and the way he makes me feel isn't even worth talking to him right now. But good news, I found someone else to give attention to when I was at RadCon, I wish he'd call...
Well in ending this randomness floating through my mind right now, I'm going to say a prayer for Aubrey, her family and the little girl who left them behind yesterday. All my love, R.I.P. Emily Angel Rose.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
