Lately

Everything has been pretty much perfect! And it's kinda been surreal you know?? I mean, I enjoy myself at sissys, doing something active pretty much every day and watching movies every night. I get a BOYFRIEND, *was that the 30th?* and we're planning on moving in together this month! Then I get home and my big sister has her baby shower, she got a lot of cool baby stuff, but I've yet to give her what I really wanted to get her. I think that I'll have to put that off for a while because I need all my money to make sure I can get that apartment o.O Anyway, the next day is floating on the river with the family and then watching a movie while attempting to talk to my boyfriend who is doing random what-nots. I'm pretty sure he was watching a movie too, lol. Anyway, now I'm ready to make a serious apartment choice *with my aunts help* and get ready to start packing my shit.

Here's my problem. Roxas. I love my boy so so much and it would just break my heart to have to send him to the pound. He's a sweet boy and most people wouldn't know it. He has terrible separation anxiety when mom, dad n' I aren't around, so moving him to someone else's home would devastate him. I want to take him with me soooo so bad!! But he's about 80lbs and that's over the weight limit for most apartments. I know it's an added responsibility, but I REALLY want to keep him in the family, and no one wants him because he can be so hyper, and he's definitely a people dog, you can't leave him outside alone for long at all before he starts yapping and destroying the door trying to get inside. I'm just scared because we need to get out of that apartment soon...my poor baby dog....

I hope and pray that something will allow me to keep him. I understand it's a new responsibility and I have to spend more money a month to feed my living security system, but I just....I really don't know what else to do with him.

Well I'm assuming since it's nearly 1:30pm I should get out of bed, lol. I'll call apartments later today or tomorrow and try to negotiate letting my dog come with me *sigh*

Rantings of a bored teenager

So I'm no super upset this time. No instead it's just bored complaints and the like.

Today I took the kids out to McDonald's for a sundae because I'd promised Cohen that I'd take him and Adah to McD's when I got my license. Oh and dad called this morning, begging me to drive him back to ND. He said "I know you can do it, you've go a license now." DING DING DING!!! There was the first and foremost reason I waited this long to get my license. ANYWAY!!

I'm freakin' bored as hell, and it's kinda hot here @ Lesa's house. The living room is decent, but I love my coldy-coldness T_T blah blah blah.....

Ok I really am that flippin' bored. I need to go home cuz I have papers to mail!! But I don't wanna go over there with drunky-mc-drunkface over there >_< And now I'm hungry cuz I only had enough change for 2 sundaes XD Oh well, the kids were happy. I have a feeling they're going to start playing Nazi Zombies on WaW soon o.o They have all the Nazi Zombie map packs XD they're crazy!! Anyway.

Ok, I think I'll go eat now. I leave u with "Stop! Demyx Time!" XD it's a Kingdom Hearts cosplay show about Organization XII on youtube, it's kinda cute actually, lol

Bye bye
<3

Every little thing I do...

It seems even now, I've been quite happy for a few days. Very uncharacteristic for me, but no matter how good of a mood I'm in, I can always be made to cry. All it takes is a scolding from my mother because she's stressing, or even something as stupid as the guy who supposedly loves me gets angry because I'm not "laying in bed next to him" even tho he's millions of miles away.

I'm so sick of everything always being my fault, no matter who it's coming from or what I've done or didn't do, it's always my fucking fault!! Nothing I do can be appreciated by my family because they all expect more and more out of me. I can't keep up with their expectations and it makes me feel like complete and utter shit.

I wish everyone would just stop expecting anything of me. If I could just fade into oblivion without anyone noticeing, that would be just pure and utter bliss to me.

No longer anything at all to worry about. Not worrying about school, chores, boys ANYTHING!! Absolutely nothing....

This is bliss...

Is it wrong?

How many years has it been since we've been together? How many girls has he been with since me? How many guys have approched me looking for a fling...or even a little more? Why is my heart still drawn to him? Is it wrong? Even after everything we've been through, why do I still give him the license to my heart?

I'm so hurt and so confused.

How do I make it stop hurting? How do I stop myself from crying for him at night? How do I get him off of my mind? How can I stop compairing a kiss with anyone, to a kiss with the man who's still got the pieces my heart? How can I love someone else, if my heart is no longer mine to give away? Tell me why? Is it wrong?

I've got someone who says he loves me and he'd give me the world. I know now that he's not the one, because I think of someone else when I'm hurting.

What do I tell him? What can I say?

I know I'll never be with the man that holds my heart again, and this fact kills me. But all I want in the entire world, is for him to hold me like he loves me. Like he used to.

Is it wrong?

Who's that on my porch!?

Today was a much better day than the other day. But to catch you up to speed, lets start with yesterday...

It was round abouts of oh...10:30pm when I asked my loving mommy to borrow her car in hopes that I could go to a gathering of friends in the apartments behind winco and let them all know that I've been accepted into my number one college, classes start in September, I will be moving there sometime in august. ANYWAY

Mommy decides it's not that far and allows me to drive her car. I get there and of course, they is playing beer pong XD. I catch up with some homies I haven't seen in about a year and of course lose the game *oops XD*

Well unbeknownst to me, a phone call was made before I got there, and Irish n' Nic were on their way to chill out with us. It was a good thing, cuz Nic hadn't come n' seen Jojo yet. So the guys get there, with a Kemp taging along, the quiet child, lol. And the party proceeds to move inside the apt and outside on the patio for smokes. Round abouts of midnight-thirty Nic decides he wants to go home. Good gawd, he's driving O.O and home to Prosser no doubt. He says he's taking Irish & Kemp home with him. Now since Jojo and Irish are dating, Jojo gets invited to go to Prosser with them for the night. Penguin of course has to go where Jojo's going for the night, so Penguin also gets added to the list of tag alongs. They coerrse me to drive my moms car out to Prosser. EHHHHHH!!! BAD IDEA!! DING DING DING!!!!! So of course I refuse, all the while Nic is doing exactly what he knows will make me rape him o.O and everyone says that's so cruel, cuz I can't even go along so he can fix this problem he's creating. Kemp makes a phone call and says he's staying in town at one of their friends houses so I can go along. Great...now there's a seat open in Nic's SUV. I ran around the room asking "good idea, bad idea?" I honestly got less replies than I asked O.o

But I didn't wanna leave mom's car there and have mom flip out on me in the morning. So I asked them to follow me to my house and if mom was still awake, I'd ask her if I could go, and if not I'd leave her a note. I get home and of course, mom is still awake. I ask her to spend the night with Jojo and mommy says it's ok. So I grab some shorts and a tanktop and run out the door. That night I did something I won't regret, because number one: it's done and over with, so there's no use in regreting it, and number two: I enjoyed it >=D

Sorry if you wanna kill me or someone else or beat me with a stick, I LIKED it, and I wanted more XD But we cuddled a little bit *seeing as it was three in the bed and he kinda got pushed off XD* and of course there was lots of fun with Jojo, Irish n' Pengu. The next morning Penguin wakes up next to me and goes "where the fuck am I?" and Jojo n' I laugh and she goes "No dude, seriously! Where the fuck am I!?" we told her in Prosser and she chilled after a minute or so XD

We then were drove back to the Tri *ZOMG Nic's driving makes me nervous!!* taking ALLLLLLL the back roads *he claims he was cruising, I think he just didn't know where he was going XD* So the boys drop us off at Jojo's and mom then lets us buy pizza, yum. Then my mommy calls me and tells me to go walk the dog. I'm about to leave and I realize....I forgot my house keys T_T so Jojo n' I catch the bus to the mall and get there almost in time for her to get off work, so we just chilled. Then is when I realized I want a shelf of like 15 sex books in my apartment livingroom *nod nod* Like, posistions and how a man should treat a woman, stuff like that, ahahahah. But ya, we're plannin' for some swimming tomorrow!

I'm actually happy, I didn't think that doing something like that with someone who could've potentially killed me for a fling would make me feel so good =^^= Loves to all, I'm gonna try n' finish my FAFSA nao O.o

<3 Lady Rouge

Bad Feelings...

I haven't written in quite awhile...but the tears in my eyes now are welling and screaming at me to write this down before my feelings pour out in blood instead of words.

Nic's been in town lately, and I know I have Sam, but honestly, as long as he's not here, he's virtually worthless to me. A few days ago I decided, again, against my better judgement, to go have some fun with a guy I'd just met that day, assured by a good friend that I'd like him. Sure, I liked him enough. Enough to do a little 69ing with him in his car. I knew nothing would come of it, just harmless fun right?

Well Nic wanted me to hang with him in richland tonight, mom actually said I could go, but she said I wasn't allowed to take the car...stranded. Stranded at home with permission to go out is one of the worst punishments in the world.

Anyway, so he kept calling and we we're BSin'. All of a sudden Irish shows up there and Nic n' Irish are walking to the store to get more booze. Nic goes "Hey Irish, how much you money you got? Could you spare some for a taxi for this female?" and Irish is like "Who's that?" Nic replies "My homegirl Alisha." this part was the worst.....

"Oh you don't want her..." Nic replies "No dude, do you even know who I'm talking about?" Irish replies with some wierd comment I can't hear and Nic goes "Dude, I'm talking about the asian one that I was with when you kidnapped me that day." and he goes "Ya, the one who gave casey head."

.............

Nic comes back to the phone kinda laughing and goes "Hey, I've got a question for you." and I reply with a quick "yes." and he proceeds to ask me if I gave knew casey and if I gave him head. Nic laughed, saying that it means I've gotten over him. I know I've been over Nic for a few months atleast now, but to have him laugh at me like that....

Now what was supposed to be harmless, shameless fun has resulted in me feeling like a big fucking whore. No, I refused his ton of begging for sex, but the fact still remains that I feel like a slut. And to hear "you don't want her" from someone who's supposed to be part of my family..........it fucking stings like no other. Nic apologized for bringing it up cuz I told him I felt like a cheap whore...he's become so sincere....but.....

I feel so horrible. And I feel bad that I even attempted to have that kind of fun. And what's worse, Casey has a girlfriend. They started going out just after our little "fun" night.

So as the hot tears proceed to roll down my face I sit here writing. Hopeing that just telling SOMEONE will make it just a little better. If Sam ever found out what I've done he'd call me a cheap whore and never speak to me again. Now at this point I admit that losing him wouldn't bother me a HUGE deal, because I know I'm not IN love with him. I love the way he calls me baby and the way he says he loves me and the way he claims I'm his entire world. He tried to break up with me the other day. Maybe I should just end it. He even had the nerve to tell me "Go be with your ex, you'll be happier that way." and he said it more than once, to "go be with my ex"

I'm at such a loss, I have no idea what to do anymore........Hopefully tomorrow will have a brighter side. But nothing can change the fact that I feel like a whore and have the mindset that no man will ever want me again.....

Phone Call From The Past...

Yesterday I got a phone call. One that I was sort of dreading....but was happy to recieve anyway. I was so so tired sunday *which was my cousin cohen's 5th b-day party* and I ended up trying to sleep on the grass in the park, but it was just too cold and I slept very restlessly. I went home and took a shower and passed the FUCK out...it was only like 9pm. My phone I left in the living room because that's where my charger sleeps and I slept with my mom cuz I was too tired to clean up the mess all over the couch.

So I woke up at like 9am the next day *I slept all night, wierd huh?* and I looked at my phone and it told me I had one missed call from 1am...who the hell calls me at 1am?? So I check the list to see who it was and guess what? It was none other than Nic...

He left a message on my phone that went something along the lines of: "Hey Alisha, it's me Ring. Callin' to say hey, but I guess you're not gonna answer your phone. I don't know, maybe you hate me or something. But anyway *blah blah blah*" right? So I laughed and I thought of leaving him a message: 'Hey Nic, it's me Alisha. Callin' to check up on you, but I guess you're not gonna answer your phone, I don't know, maybe you're gay or something.' lol, Anyway, I decided I'd call him later.

Everyone left the house to go shopping and I just wasn't up to the task, so I stayed home and lay in bed for a while before starting up Fiesta and succeeding to do nothing but sit next to a gate for an hour before I logged out again. Anyway, while I wasn't in the mood to play, my phone rang. ya...it was Nic.

He had just woken up, and his first impulse is to call me again? WTF is up with that!? Mais...It was so fun. We talked a little about what's goin' on with us lately. From the sound of it, he ditched his girlfriend again. But we also talked about us in the past...how we used to be and how things were back then. Against my better judgement I flirted shamelessly with the man who broke my heart...We talked for a good couple of hours before he had to go...I was happy....but.......sad at the same time...

I'm so extremely tired lately, no ammount of sleep seems to help. I slept a full 8 hours last night, and starting at 2pm I was already ready for sleep again. I'm feeling so extremely vulnerable too. My aunt came home today and made a comment about how I don't do anything so I should atleast do some cleaning around the house. Even though the comment was actually a shot at my uncles sister who lives down stairs...it really hurt to hear that from my aunt....It made me feel like crap and even now the voice in my head is screaming at me, reassuring me how worthless I am. It's days like this when I wish it was just over...everything....

I'm tired...I think I'm going to try to eat something and then maybe lay down...if they let me that is.....