Who's that on my porch!?

Today was a much better day than the other day. But to catch you up to speed, lets start with yesterday...

It was round abouts of oh...10:30pm when I asked my loving mommy to borrow her car in hopes that I could go to a gathering of friends in the apartments behind winco and let them all know that I've been accepted into my number one college, classes start in September, I will be moving there sometime in august. ANYWAY

Mommy decides it's not that far and allows me to drive her car. I get there and of course, they is playing beer pong XD. I catch up with some homies I haven't seen in about a year and of course lose the game *oops XD*

Well unbeknownst to me, a phone call was made before I got there, and Irish n' Nic were on their way to chill out with us. It was a good thing, cuz Nic hadn't come n' seen Jojo yet. So the guys get there, with a Kemp taging along, the quiet child, lol. And the party proceeds to move inside the apt and outside on the patio for smokes. Round abouts of midnight-thirty Nic decides he wants to go home. Good gawd, he's driving O.O and home to Prosser no doubt. He says he's taking Irish & Kemp home with him. Now since Jojo and Irish are dating, Jojo gets invited to go to Prosser with them for the night. Penguin of course has to go where Jojo's going for the night, so Penguin also gets added to the list of tag alongs. They coerrse me to drive my moms car out to Prosser. EHHHHHH!!! BAD IDEA!! DING DING DING!!!!! So of course I refuse, all the while Nic is doing exactly what he knows will make me rape him o.O and everyone says that's so cruel, cuz I can't even go along so he can fix this problem he's creating. Kemp makes a phone call and says he's staying in town at one of their friends houses so I can go along. Great...now there's a seat open in Nic's SUV. I ran around the room asking "good idea, bad idea?" I honestly got less replies than I asked O.o

But I didn't wanna leave mom's car there and have mom flip out on me in the morning. So I asked them to follow me to my house and if mom was still awake, I'd ask her if I could go, and if not I'd leave her a note. I get home and of course, mom is still awake. I ask her to spend the night with Jojo and mommy says it's ok. So I grab some shorts and a tanktop and run out the door. That night I did something I won't regret, because number one: it's done and over with, so there's no use in regreting it, and number two: I enjoyed it >=D

Sorry if you wanna kill me or someone else or beat me with a stick, I LIKED it, and I wanted more XD But we cuddled a little bit *seeing as it was three in the bed and he kinda got pushed off XD* and of course there was lots of fun with Jojo, Irish n' Pengu. The next morning Penguin wakes up next to me and goes "where the fuck am I?" and Jojo n' I laugh and she goes "No dude, seriously! Where the fuck am I!?" we told her in Prosser and she chilled after a minute or so XD

We then were drove back to the Tri *ZOMG Nic's driving makes me nervous!!* taking ALLLLLLL the back roads *he claims he was cruising, I think he just didn't know where he was going XD* So the boys drop us off at Jojo's and mom then lets us buy pizza, yum. Then my mommy calls me and tells me to go walk the dog. I'm about to leave and I realize....I forgot my house keys T_T so Jojo n' I catch the bus to the mall and get there almost in time for her to get off work, so we just chilled. Then is when I realized I want a shelf of like 15 sex books in my apartment livingroom *nod nod* Like, posistions and how a man should treat a woman, stuff like that, ahahahah. But ya, we're plannin' for some swimming tomorrow!

I'm actually happy, I didn't think that doing something like that with someone who could've potentially killed me for a fling would make me feel so good =^^= Loves to all, I'm gonna try n' finish my FAFSA nao O.o

<3 Lady Rouge

Bad Feelings...

I haven't written in quite awhile...but the tears in my eyes now are welling and screaming at me to write this down before my feelings pour out in blood instead of words.

Nic's been in town lately, and I know I have Sam, but honestly, as long as he's not here, he's virtually worthless to me. A few days ago I decided, again, against my better judgement, to go have some fun with a guy I'd just met that day, assured by a good friend that I'd like him. Sure, I liked him enough. Enough to do a little 69ing with him in his car. I knew nothing would come of it, just harmless fun right?

Well Nic wanted me to hang with him in richland tonight, mom actually said I could go, but she said I wasn't allowed to take the car...stranded. Stranded at home with permission to go out is one of the worst punishments in the world.

Anyway, so he kept calling and we we're BSin'. All of a sudden Irish shows up there and Nic n' Irish are walking to the store to get more booze. Nic goes "Hey Irish, how much you money you got? Could you spare some for a taxi for this female?" and Irish is like "Who's that?" Nic replies "My homegirl Alisha." this part was the worst.....

"Oh you don't want her..." Nic replies "No dude, do you even know who I'm talking about?" Irish replies with some wierd comment I can't hear and Nic goes "Dude, I'm talking about the asian one that I was with when you kidnapped me that day." and he goes "Ya, the one who gave casey head."

.............

Nic comes back to the phone kinda laughing and goes "Hey, I've got a question for you." and I reply with a quick "yes." and he proceeds to ask me if I gave knew casey and if I gave him head. Nic laughed, saying that it means I've gotten over him. I know I've been over Nic for a few months atleast now, but to have him laugh at me like that....

Now what was supposed to be harmless, shameless fun has resulted in me feeling like a big fucking whore. No, I refused his ton of begging for sex, but the fact still remains that I feel like a slut. And to hear "you don't want her" from someone who's supposed to be part of my family..........it fucking stings like no other. Nic apologized for bringing it up cuz I told him I felt like a cheap whore...he's become so sincere....but.....

I feel so horrible. And I feel bad that I even attempted to have that kind of fun. And what's worse, Casey has a girlfriend. They started going out just after our little "fun" night.

So as the hot tears proceed to roll down my face I sit here writing. Hopeing that just telling SOMEONE will make it just a little better. If Sam ever found out what I've done he'd call me a cheap whore and never speak to me again. Now at this point I admit that losing him wouldn't bother me a HUGE deal, because I know I'm not IN love with him. I love the way he calls me baby and the way he says he loves me and the way he claims I'm his entire world. He tried to break up with me the other day. Maybe I should just end it. He even had the nerve to tell me "Go be with your ex, you'll be happier that way." and he said it more than once, to "go be with my ex"

I'm at such a loss, I have no idea what to do anymore........Hopefully tomorrow will have a brighter side. But nothing can change the fact that I feel like a whore and have the mindset that no man will ever want me again.....