Bad Feelings...

I haven't written in quite awhile...but the tears in my eyes now are welling and screaming at me to write this down before my feelings pour out in blood instead of words.

Nic's been in town lately, and I know I have Sam, but honestly, as long as he's not here, he's virtually worthless to me. A few days ago I decided, again, against my better judgement, to go have some fun with a guy I'd just met that day, assured by a good friend that I'd like him. Sure, I liked him enough. Enough to do a little 69ing with him in his car. I knew nothing would come of it, just harmless fun right?

Well Nic wanted me to hang with him in richland tonight, mom actually said I could go, but she said I wasn't allowed to take the car...stranded. Stranded at home with permission to go out is one of the worst punishments in the world.

Anyway, so he kept calling and we we're BSin'. All of a sudden Irish shows up there and Nic n' Irish are walking to the store to get more booze. Nic goes "Hey Irish, how much you money you got? Could you spare some for a taxi for this female?" and Irish is like "Who's that?" Nic replies "My homegirl Alisha." this part was the worst.....

"Oh you don't want her..." Nic replies "No dude, do you even know who I'm talking about?" Irish replies with some wierd comment I can't hear and Nic goes "Dude, I'm talking about the asian one that I was with when you kidnapped me that day." and he goes "Ya, the one who gave casey head."

.............

Nic comes back to the phone kinda laughing and goes "Hey, I've got a question for you." and I reply with a quick "yes." and he proceeds to ask me if I gave knew casey and if I gave him head. Nic laughed, saying that it means I've gotten over him. I know I've been over Nic for a few months atleast now, but to have him laugh at me like that....

Now what was supposed to be harmless, shameless fun has resulted in me feeling like a big fucking whore. No, I refused his ton of begging for sex, but the fact still remains that I feel like a slut. And to hear "you don't want her" from someone who's supposed to be part of my family..........it fucking stings like no other. Nic apologized for bringing it up cuz I told him I felt like a cheap whore...he's become so sincere....but.....

I feel so horrible. And I feel bad that I even attempted to have that kind of fun. And what's worse, Casey has a girlfriend. They started going out just after our little "fun" night.

So as the hot tears proceed to roll down my face I sit here writing. Hopeing that just telling SOMEONE will make it just a little better. If Sam ever found out what I've done he'd call me a cheap whore and never speak to me again. Now at this point I admit that losing him wouldn't bother me a HUGE deal, because I know I'm not IN love with him. I love the way he calls me baby and the way he says he loves me and the way he claims I'm his entire world. He tried to break up with me the other day. Maybe I should just end it. He even had the nerve to tell me "Go be with your ex, you'll be happier that way." and he said it more than once, to "go be with my ex"

I'm at such a loss, I have no idea what to do anymore........Hopefully tomorrow will have a brighter side. But nothing can change the fact that I feel like a whore and have the mindset that no man will ever want me again.....