I saw blood tonight and it's not even a full moon...
No...It wasn't my own blood. It was the blood of my drunken father. Dried on his hand from a gash in his head.
It was a little after 11pm when mom came out into the living room and told me to go with her to the apartment. Dad had called her and told her that he'd fallen, hit his head, and that he was bleeding. Fearing for his life, we both rushed over to the apartment. He was fine. It wasn't a huge gash, but it was a decent sized one that he'll DEFINITELY feel in the morning, just above his right brow.
He kept ragging on me for "pretending to be a vampire" and not wanting to stare at the dried blood on his hand in awe. Then he kept demanding that I give him a lighter, like I'm supposed to carry one on me at all times. Mom and I walked out...
I really don't know how much more of this I can handle, I'm going to break soon, and when I do, it won't be pretty. I'm afraid that no ammount of talking to anyone over this is going to help me. I need a distraction. I need a man, of course, that's sadly the only thing that will keep my mind off of being miserable. I am a codependant, like my mom. I'm severly dependant on the prescence of a man in my life, and since my dad is no longer an option, my craving for a lover has increased 200 fold. I'm scared, angry and sad all at the same time.
What will happen to me if dad decides to take himself up on his offer of "going to the spirit world?" I'm scared to think of it, all my emotions bundle up even thinking of it....if it actually happens.............
What kind of lives must my family have lead to get this kind of sorrow and pain? I was talking with Raimey the other day...and we realized how sad it is...we're only 19, and we're ready to be done. Too much greif in my short life blocks out all the good things that've happened. My mind tends to dwell on things I did wrong, things I could've done better, things that make me sad and things that hurt me. In some sick sadistic way...I think I like hurting. I like the feeling because I can't seem to find even a glimmer of what was once true happiness. Too small the light in my heart, the flame grows duller and duller with each bad occurance, making the dark grow stronger around me. Trapping me once again...
I need something to do to distract me...I'm going to finish the picture I left to rush over to the apartment now...
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
For a change...
For a change I have nothing ill to say in this installment of my "online journal." Today I leveled up Trinity from 30-33! Quite an accomplishment I'd say. But I do have to say that it would've been harder and much more painstaking then it was if Adah didn't volunteer to play as Trinity and follow me around. Although I am pretty tired right now, considering that I'm on a somewhat normal sleeping schedule.
Mom bet me the other night that the Joker suit in Fiesta was permanent for a week, I bet her 25s *in-game currency* that it wasn't a permanent, it was just put special in Remy's Rare Finds. We're gonna find out in a little bit who is 25s richer, lol.
Anyway, I had a little chat with Manu tonight. He's been kind of an ass lately and because of my current home situation, I've had an extremely short fuse and not able to put up with what would normally make me shake my head and call him an idiot. But I explained my living situation and he did have his little pervy, smart-assness to add in, but he did call me baby and give a small ammount of comfort, which did make me feel a little better. I know...it's so easy to melt me if you're a male. I'm deprived, what can I say, I'm absolutely craving for a good man in my life.
btw:
OMG WOOT!! I totally just won 25s, I KNEW I should've made it 10g instead, lmao.
But I digress...
it's 10, I should be sleeping, I'm gonna hop on the shower for a bit and drift on off to a place where the perfect guy is waiting for me. I wish he'd come out of there >_<
Mom bet me the other night that the Joker suit in Fiesta was permanent for a week, I bet her 25s *in-game currency* that it wasn't a permanent, it was just put special in Remy's Rare Finds. We're gonna find out in a little bit who is 25s richer, lol.
Anyway, I had a little chat with Manu tonight. He's been kind of an ass lately and because of my current home situation, I've had an extremely short fuse and not able to put up with what would normally make me shake my head and call him an idiot. But I explained my living situation and he did have his little pervy, smart-assness to add in, but he did call me baby and give a small ammount of comfort, which did make me feel a little better. I know...it's so easy to melt me if you're a male. I'm deprived, what can I say, I'm absolutely craving for a good man in my life.
btw:
OMG WOOT!! I totally just won 25s, I KNEW I should've made it 10g instead, lmao.
But I digress...
it's 10, I should be sleeping, I'm gonna hop on the shower for a bit and drift on off to a place where the perfect guy is waiting for me. I wish he'd come out of there >_<
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Run out
Yesterday dad was released from his cage. He was happy to be free. I'm sitting there playing Fiesta, trying to get my Cleric and her boyfriend to lvl 60 while talking to dad about random bs when all of a sudden, he says "You do know that I'm drinking right? I'm drinking right now." and I ask him what he's drinking and he replys "Alcohol. Can't you tell?"
In all honesty, yes, I can tell. But I thought he was talking the way he was because of the anti-depressants that had been prescribed to him. He was already done with the bottle of that god forsaken Monarch, so I let him down the last drop of it, thinking that mom was coming up the stairs. He then proceded to throw the bottle out the balcony door.
Dad asked if I could take him home to North Dakota. I said I would, I'd take him there, drop him off and then come back home in the truck, me and a friend. He kept asking and asking and I kept telling him yes, and yes. I even called my friend and asked if she could come with us next week. Dad left to get something out of the truck, which I thought were going to be cigarettes. Wrong. He walks into the house with another bottle of Monarch. So as soon as he starts drinking it I stood up and requested that he give me the bottle. He refused. I got so upset! I kept demanding the bottle and he kept telling me no. So I told him I'd call the cops if he didn't give me the number to the place in which he'd JUST been earlier that morning. He didn't like either idea and kept spouting off bullshit on how I didn't understand.
I was crying in my room at this point and I'd finally gotten ahold of mom who quickly came home. Oh and how embarassing is this? I opened the door thinking it was mom, tears streaming down my face and a hateful and hurt expression in my eyes and it was the pizza guy. Damn it...and I really wanted some of that pizza too. Now I'm sitting here in this bedroom, back at Lesa's house, wishing for some of that pizza....damn I'm hungry....
Anyway, Dad made me call Paul, a friend of his who is an alcohol abuse counselor and he made me sit in the living room listening to his conversation. In walks mom but I don't really notice the expression on her face...all I can think about is how alone and helpless I feel. I can feel the void closing in on me once again, and this time, I don't think I'll get away. The icy grip that pulls me down into nothingness, where all my hope and ambition is gone...Last time I had Nic to pull me out of it, he helped me so much, and it's because of him that I stopped hurting myself. But now I'm alone, so very alone...and i'm scared.
I've been run out of my home, left my dad and my dog. I'm back here at my aunts house, little to no privacy once again. I love being here, but sometimes I just need to be alone. I need to think without being interrupted by screaming children or barking dogs.
My birthday is this saturday...That reminds me...I need to call Erin...
In all honesty, yes, I can tell. But I thought he was talking the way he was because of the anti-depressants that had been prescribed to him. He was already done with the bottle of that god forsaken Monarch, so I let him down the last drop of it, thinking that mom was coming up the stairs. He then proceded to throw the bottle out the balcony door.
Dad asked if I could take him home to North Dakota. I said I would, I'd take him there, drop him off and then come back home in the truck, me and a friend. He kept asking and asking and I kept telling him yes, and yes. I even called my friend and asked if she could come with us next week. Dad left to get something out of the truck, which I thought were going to be cigarettes. Wrong. He walks into the house with another bottle of Monarch. So as soon as he starts drinking it I stood up and requested that he give me the bottle. He refused. I got so upset! I kept demanding the bottle and he kept telling me no. So I told him I'd call the cops if he didn't give me the number to the place in which he'd JUST been earlier that morning. He didn't like either idea and kept spouting off bullshit on how I didn't understand.
I was crying in my room at this point and I'd finally gotten ahold of mom who quickly came home. Oh and how embarassing is this? I opened the door thinking it was mom, tears streaming down my face and a hateful and hurt expression in my eyes and it was the pizza guy. Damn it...and I really wanted some of that pizza too. Now I'm sitting here in this bedroom, back at Lesa's house, wishing for some of that pizza....damn I'm hungry....
Anyway, Dad made me call Paul, a friend of his who is an alcohol abuse counselor and he made me sit in the living room listening to his conversation. In walks mom but I don't really notice the expression on her face...all I can think about is how alone and helpless I feel. I can feel the void closing in on me once again, and this time, I don't think I'll get away. The icy grip that pulls me down into nothingness, where all my hope and ambition is gone...Last time I had Nic to pull me out of it, he helped me so much, and it's because of him that I stopped hurting myself. But now I'm alone, so very alone...and i'm scared.
I've been run out of my home, left my dad and my dog. I'm back here at my aunts house, little to no privacy once again. I love being here, but sometimes I just need to be alone. I need to think without being interrupted by screaming children or barking dogs.
My birthday is this saturday...That reminds me...I need to call Erin...
Saturday, March 7, 2009
A Dream or a Nightmare?
So last night I dreamt of something I possibly shouldn't have...
And this isn't the first time I've dreamt of it...
In fact, I've dreamt of it quite frequently lately....
And I don't know why...
There I was some weird kind of "after christmas" setting where we're taking down a tree that's in the front yard of what is assumed as my grandma's house. I'm talking to my mom, and laughing, everything is great! I even got to bring home a large stuffed bear, who very much resembles Klondike, the white bear sissy bought me for christmas a few years ago. Also I had a white mouse? I put them in the car and for some reason decided to lay on the grass wrapped in some sort of blanket. My head is kinda hanging off the edge, since the lawn is raised from the sidewalk about a foot or so...no...in my dream it's raised more like 5.5 feet from the ground. It's night time and the streetlights are on. They're still working on the tree as I lay there, and I look out toward the streetlight. I see a man cross the road behind me, and another person turns the corner and starts walking towards me. My heart kind of jumps, and for some reason I know exactly who it is, even though it's dark and he's wearing a hoodie. As he approaches I turn around on my stomach, staring at him. He stops just beneath me and pulls off his hoodie, he's smiling. For some reason he's wearing a chicks white hoodie with markings that resemble Louis Vuitton and a zip up sweater over that. I push myself up on my elbow and smile at him. I remember saying "What the hell are you wearing??" and laughing. I assume it's his girlfriends... I lean down and give him a hug and fluff his hair, which, betraying recent photo's, is short, manageable and very...normal looking. In fact, everything about him is....normal looking. Some how we end up in the house talking to the family who is cleaning the place top to bottom, some what resembling "spring cleaning" I remember lots of hugs and laughing...and even a few stray looks between us. I even remember at some point, while sitting next to him, I reached up behind him and ran my fingers through the back of his hair and pulled, causing a slight hiss and a little tension in his body as I grinned inwardly to myself.
I don't remember much more beside the fact that someone, Lala, I believe, came down the stairs and wanted us to play a game something along the lines of "gummy bingo" where the bingo chips were edible gummies. But that aside....
I've been dreaming about him alot lately. And it's always the same type of dream. He's happy, and flirty but he always comes to see me alone. What does it mean? Does it mean that I want him to be alone, because I need the love he used to give me? Does it mean he wants me back? Or is it just me that wants him back? I'm so confused. How can I like another person, and still dream of the one that left me? I've been laying in bed since 3am, thinking about writing this...now that I have I don't know what else to do...It's kind of scaring me actually...
And this isn't the first time I've dreamt of it...
In fact, I've dreamt of it quite frequently lately....
And I don't know why...
There I was some weird kind of "after christmas" setting where we're taking down a tree that's in the front yard of what is assumed as my grandma's house. I'm talking to my mom, and laughing, everything is great! I even got to bring home a large stuffed bear, who very much resembles Klondike, the white bear sissy bought me for christmas a few years ago. Also I had a white mouse? I put them in the car and for some reason decided to lay on the grass wrapped in some sort of blanket. My head is kinda hanging off the edge, since the lawn is raised from the sidewalk about a foot or so...no...in my dream it's raised more like 5.5 feet from the ground. It's night time and the streetlights are on. They're still working on the tree as I lay there, and I look out toward the streetlight. I see a man cross the road behind me, and another person turns the corner and starts walking towards me. My heart kind of jumps, and for some reason I know exactly who it is, even though it's dark and he's wearing a hoodie. As he approaches I turn around on my stomach, staring at him. He stops just beneath me and pulls off his hoodie, he's smiling. For some reason he's wearing a chicks white hoodie with markings that resemble Louis Vuitton and a zip up sweater over that. I push myself up on my elbow and smile at him. I remember saying "What the hell are you wearing??" and laughing. I assume it's his girlfriends... I lean down and give him a hug and fluff his hair, which, betraying recent photo's, is short, manageable and very...normal looking. In fact, everything about him is....normal looking. Some how we end up in the house talking to the family who is cleaning the place top to bottom, some what resembling "spring cleaning" I remember lots of hugs and laughing...and even a few stray looks between us. I even remember at some point, while sitting next to him, I reached up behind him and ran my fingers through the back of his hair and pulled, causing a slight hiss and a little tension in his body as I grinned inwardly to myself.
I don't remember much more beside the fact that someone, Lala, I believe, came down the stairs and wanted us to play a game something along the lines of "gummy bingo" where the bingo chips were edible gummies. But that aside....
I've been dreaming about him alot lately. And it's always the same type of dream. He's happy, and flirty but he always comes to see me alone. What does it mean? Does it mean that I want him to be alone, because I need the love he used to give me? Does it mean he wants me back? Or is it just me that wants him back? I'm so confused. How can I like another person, and still dream of the one that left me? I've been laying in bed since 3am, thinking about writing this...now that I have I don't know what else to do...It's kind of scaring me actually...
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
It's in my blood
I saw my dad today...he's a little shakey and kind of talks in circles. More like talks in squiggly lines. He's trying to get used to his meds. They have him on super vitamins, anti-depressants and something to help his blood pressure while he detoxes off the alcohol and nicotine. He's been officially diagnosed with a type of severe depression. That makes three of us in the family...
My big sister was diagnosed with depression when she was about 17 or so. I've been feeling the effects and trying my damnedest to cope with it without meds for some years now. I don't know, maybe it's just sympathy depression or something. I am, after all, a very sensitive person. My sister seems to be making it fine, but her life is in a much better place right now.
It seems that I'm staying in this apartment alone for another month. It's kinda like having my own apartment without the responsibility of paying bills. It's really nice, and the only thing I'm lonely for is male attention.
Damn boys. It's been a little over two weeks since I've gotten the attention I crave. That sweet, sweet addicting pleasure that floods my system when a guy seems truely interested in me. I keep wishing he'll call. I even called and texted him a few days ago to no luck. I'm starting to feel like he was never interested all that much to begin with. I was just the prettiest girl around who was giving him attention...I mean, if a guy likes you, he'd find a way to get ahold of you two weeks after he's met you right? I don't need to see the movie "He's just not that into you" to know that he really isn't...even that I really wanna see that movie, ha.
Oh I don't know anymore. The more I try to relax the more stessed I get. Maybe I've got some anxiety issues as well. Mom does. Hell...maybe if I finally fly for myself then I'll be happier...I don't know...
On the other hand I'm pretty excited about SakuraCon in April, I wanna go oh so bad! Mom is very against me going, because it's in Seattle. She doesn't seem to believe that I'm going to go to college there this fall. I'm starting to not believe it either. I mean, is it just me, or does everyone wish they had more time to do absolutely nothing? Maybe I'm just scared to actually start a life that's my own, I mean truely my own. I know I'm scared...But I don't think I'm THAT scared... Well I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it...
My birthday is in about a week and a half. I got my first lover for my 16th birthday, who says that I can't get another for my 19th? It's way past due that I got a new man to dote on me anyway. But I guess all I can do is hope and pray. Pray that God takes pity on my lonely, tortured heart and sends me a man to help super glue the damned thing together.
Anyway, it's almost midnight. I think I'll play a few rounds of CoD4 now...
My big sister was diagnosed with depression when she was about 17 or so. I've been feeling the effects and trying my damnedest to cope with it without meds for some years now. I don't know, maybe it's just sympathy depression or something. I am, after all, a very sensitive person. My sister seems to be making it fine, but her life is in a much better place right now.
It seems that I'm staying in this apartment alone for another month. It's kinda like having my own apartment without the responsibility of paying bills. It's really nice, and the only thing I'm lonely for is male attention.
Damn boys. It's been a little over two weeks since I've gotten the attention I crave. That sweet, sweet addicting pleasure that floods my system when a guy seems truely interested in me. I keep wishing he'll call. I even called and texted him a few days ago to no luck. I'm starting to feel like he was never interested all that much to begin with. I was just the prettiest girl around who was giving him attention...I mean, if a guy likes you, he'd find a way to get ahold of you two weeks after he's met you right? I don't need to see the movie "He's just not that into you" to know that he really isn't...even that I really wanna see that movie, ha.
Oh I don't know anymore. The more I try to relax the more stessed I get. Maybe I've got some anxiety issues as well. Mom does. Hell...maybe if I finally fly for myself then I'll be happier...I don't know...
On the other hand I'm pretty excited about SakuraCon in April, I wanna go oh so bad! Mom is very against me going, because it's in Seattle. She doesn't seem to believe that I'm going to go to college there this fall. I'm starting to not believe it either. I mean, is it just me, or does everyone wish they had more time to do absolutely nothing? Maybe I'm just scared to actually start a life that's my own, I mean truely my own. I know I'm scared...But I don't think I'm THAT scared... Well I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it...
My birthday is in about a week and a half. I got my first lover for my 16th birthday, who says that I can't get another for my 19th? It's way past due that I got a new man to dote on me anyway. But I guess all I can do is hope and pray. Pray that God takes pity on my lonely, tortured heart and sends me a man to help super glue the damned thing together.
Anyway, it's almost midnight. I think I'll play a few rounds of CoD4 now...
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