It's in my blood

I saw my dad today...he's a little shakey and kind of talks in circles. More like talks in squiggly lines. He's trying to get used to his meds. They have him on super vitamins, anti-depressants and something to help his blood pressure while he detoxes off the alcohol and nicotine. He's been officially diagnosed with a type of severe depression. That makes three of us in the family...

My big sister was diagnosed with depression when she was about 17 or so. I've been feeling the effects and trying my damnedest to cope with it without meds for some years now. I don't know, maybe it's just sympathy depression or something. I am, after all, a very sensitive person. My sister seems to be making it fine, but her life is in a much better place right now.

It seems that I'm staying in this apartment alone for another month. It's kinda like having my own apartment without the responsibility of paying bills. It's really nice, and the only thing I'm lonely for is male attention.

Damn boys. It's been a little over two weeks since I've gotten the attention I crave. That sweet, sweet addicting pleasure that floods my system when a guy seems truely interested in me. I keep wishing he'll call. I even called and texted him a few days ago to no luck. I'm starting to feel like he was never interested all that much to begin with. I was just the prettiest girl around who was giving him attention...I mean, if a guy likes you, he'd find a way to get ahold of you two weeks after he's met you right? I don't need to see the movie "He's just not that into you" to know that he really isn't...even that I really wanna see that movie, ha.

Oh I don't know anymore. The more I try to relax the more stessed I get. Maybe I've got some anxiety issues as well. Mom does. Hell...maybe if I finally fly for myself then I'll be happier...I don't know...

On the other hand I'm pretty excited about SakuraCon in April, I wanna go oh so bad! Mom is very against me going, because it's in Seattle. She doesn't seem to believe that I'm going to go to college there this fall. I'm starting to not believe it either. I mean, is it just me, or does everyone wish they had more time to do absolutely nothing? Maybe I'm just scared to actually start a life that's my own, I mean truely my own. I know I'm scared...But I don't think I'm THAT scared... Well I guess I'll cross that bridge when I come to it...

My birthday is in about a week and a half. I got my first lover for my 16th birthday, who says that I can't get another for my 19th? It's way past due that I got a new man to dote on me anyway. But I guess all I can do is hope and pray. Pray that God takes pity on my lonely, tortured heart and sends me a man to help super glue the damned thing together.

Anyway, it's almost midnight. I think I'll play a few rounds of CoD4 now...