Blood

I saw blood tonight and it's not even a full moon...
No...It wasn't my own blood. It was the blood of my drunken father. Dried on his hand from a gash in his head.

It was a little after 11pm when mom came out into the living room and told me to go with her to the apartment. Dad had called her and told her that he'd fallen, hit his head, and that he was bleeding. Fearing for his life, we both rushed over to the apartment. He was fine. It wasn't a huge gash, but it was a decent sized one that he'll DEFINITELY feel in the morning, just above his right brow.

He kept ragging on me for "pretending to be a vampire" and not wanting to stare at the dried blood on his hand in awe. Then he kept demanding that I give him a lighter, like I'm supposed to carry one on me at all times. Mom and I walked out...

I really don't know how much more of this I can handle, I'm going to break soon, and when I do, it won't be pretty. I'm afraid that no ammount of talking to anyone over this is going to help me. I need a distraction. I need a man, of course, that's sadly the only thing that will keep my mind off of being miserable. I am a codependant, like my mom. I'm severly dependant on the prescence of a man in my life, and since my dad is no longer an option, my craving for a lover has increased 200 fold. I'm scared, angry and sad all at the same time.

What will happen to me if dad decides to take himself up on his offer of "going to the spirit world?" I'm scared to think of it, all my emotions bundle up even thinking of it....if it actually happens.............

What kind of lives must my family have lead to get this kind of sorrow and pain? I was talking with Raimey the other day...and we realized how sad it is...we're only 19, and we're ready to be done. Too much greif in my short life blocks out all the good things that've happened. My mind tends to dwell on things I did wrong, things I could've done better, things that make me sad and things that hurt me. In some sick sadistic way...I think I like hurting. I like the feeling because I can't seem to find even a glimmer of what was once true happiness. Too small the light in my heart, the flame grows duller and duller with each bad occurance, making the dark grow stronger around me. Trapping me once again...

I need something to do to distract me...I'm going to finish the picture I left to rush over to the apartment now...