Run out

Yesterday dad was released from his cage. He was happy to be free. I'm sitting there playing Fiesta, trying to get my Cleric and her boyfriend to lvl 60 while talking to dad about random bs when all of a sudden, he says "You do know that I'm drinking right? I'm drinking right now." and I ask him what he's drinking and he replys "Alcohol. Can't you tell?"

In all honesty, yes, I can tell. But I thought he was talking the way he was because of the anti-depressants that had been prescribed to him. He was already done with the bottle of that god forsaken Monarch, so I let him down the last drop of it, thinking that mom was coming up the stairs. He then proceded to throw the bottle out the balcony door.

Dad asked if I could take him home to North Dakota. I said I would, I'd take him there, drop him off and then come back home in the truck, me and a friend. He kept asking and asking and I kept telling him yes, and yes. I even called my friend and asked if she could come with us next week. Dad left to get something out of the truck, which I thought were going to be cigarettes. Wrong. He walks into the house with another bottle of Monarch. So as soon as he starts drinking it I stood up and requested that he give me the bottle. He refused. I got so upset! I kept demanding the bottle and he kept telling me no. So I told him I'd call the cops if he didn't give me the number to the place in which he'd JUST been earlier that morning. He didn't like either idea and kept spouting off bullshit on how I didn't understand.

I was crying in my room at this point and I'd finally gotten ahold of mom who quickly came home. Oh and how embarassing is this? I opened the door thinking it was mom, tears streaming down my face and a hateful and hurt expression in my eyes and it was the pizza guy. Damn it...and I really wanted some of that pizza too. Now I'm sitting here in this bedroom, back at Lesa's house, wishing for some of that pizza....damn I'm hungry....

Anyway, Dad made me call Paul, a friend of his who is an alcohol abuse counselor and he made me sit in the living room listening to his conversation. In walks mom but I don't really notice the expression on her face...all I can think about is how alone and helpless I feel. I can feel the void closing in on me once again, and this time, I don't think I'll get away. The icy grip that pulls me down into nothingness, where all my hope and ambition is gone...Last time I had Nic to pull me out of it, he helped me so much, and it's because of him that I stopped hurting myself. But now I'm alone, so very alone...and i'm scared.

I've been run out of my home, left my dad and my dog. I'm back here at my aunts house, little to no privacy once again. I love being here, but sometimes I just need to be alone. I need to think without being interrupted by screaming children or barking dogs.

My birthday is this saturday...That reminds me...I need to call Erin...