Who's that on my porch!?

Today was a much better day than the other day. But to catch you up to speed, lets start with yesterday...

It was round abouts of oh...10:30pm when I asked my loving mommy to borrow her car in hopes that I could go to a gathering of friends in the apartments behind winco and let them all know that I've been accepted into my number one college, classes start in September, I will be moving there sometime in august. ANYWAY

Mommy decides it's not that far and allows me to drive her car. I get there and of course, they is playing beer pong XD. I catch up with some homies I haven't seen in about a year and of course lose the game *oops XD*

Well unbeknownst to me, a phone call was made before I got there, and Irish n' Nic were on their way to chill out with us. It was a good thing, cuz Nic hadn't come n' seen Jojo yet. So the guys get there, with a Kemp taging along, the quiet child, lol. And the party proceeds to move inside the apt and outside on the patio for smokes. Round abouts of midnight-thirty Nic decides he wants to go home. Good gawd, he's driving O.O and home to Prosser no doubt. He says he's taking Irish & Kemp home with him. Now since Jojo and Irish are dating, Jojo gets invited to go to Prosser with them for the night. Penguin of course has to go where Jojo's going for the night, so Penguin also gets added to the list of tag alongs. They coerrse me to drive my moms car out to Prosser. EHHHHHH!!! BAD IDEA!! DING DING DING!!!!! So of course I refuse, all the while Nic is doing exactly what he knows will make me rape him o.O and everyone says that's so cruel, cuz I can't even go along so he can fix this problem he's creating. Kemp makes a phone call and says he's staying in town at one of their friends houses so I can go along. Great...now there's a seat open in Nic's SUV. I ran around the room asking "good idea, bad idea?" I honestly got less replies than I asked O.o

But I didn't wanna leave mom's car there and have mom flip out on me in the morning. So I asked them to follow me to my house and if mom was still awake, I'd ask her if I could go, and if not I'd leave her a note. I get home and of course, mom is still awake. I ask her to spend the night with Jojo and mommy says it's ok. So I grab some shorts and a tanktop and run out the door. That night I did something I won't regret, because number one: it's done and over with, so there's no use in regreting it, and number two: I enjoyed it >=D

Sorry if you wanna kill me or someone else or beat me with a stick, I LIKED it, and I wanted more XD But we cuddled a little bit *seeing as it was three in the bed and he kinda got pushed off XD* and of course there was lots of fun with Jojo, Irish n' Pengu. The next morning Penguin wakes up next to me and goes "where the fuck am I?" and Jojo n' I laugh and she goes "No dude, seriously! Where the fuck am I!?" we told her in Prosser and she chilled after a minute or so XD

We then were drove back to the Tri *ZOMG Nic's driving makes me nervous!!* taking ALLLLLLL the back roads *he claims he was cruising, I think he just didn't know where he was going XD* So the boys drop us off at Jojo's and mom then lets us buy pizza, yum. Then my mommy calls me and tells me to go walk the dog. I'm about to leave and I realize....I forgot my house keys T_T so Jojo n' I catch the bus to the mall and get there almost in time for her to get off work, so we just chilled. Then is when I realized I want a shelf of like 15 sex books in my apartment livingroom *nod nod* Like, posistions and how a man should treat a woman, stuff like that, ahahahah. But ya, we're plannin' for some swimming tomorrow!

I'm actually happy, I didn't think that doing something like that with someone who could've potentially killed me for a fling would make me feel so good =^^= Loves to all, I'm gonna try n' finish my FAFSA nao O.o

<3 Lady Rouge

Bad Feelings...

I haven't written in quite awhile...but the tears in my eyes now are welling and screaming at me to write this down before my feelings pour out in blood instead of words.

Nic's been in town lately, and I know I have Sam, but honestly, as long as he's not here, he's virtually worthless to me. A few days ago I decided, again, against my better judgement, to go have some fun with a guy I'd just met that day, assured by a good friend that I'd like him. Sure, I liked him enough. Enough to do a little 69ing with him in his car. I knew nothing would come of it, just harmless fun right?

Well Nic wanted me to hang with him in richland tonight, mom actually said I could go, but she said I wasn't allowed to take the car...stranded. Stranded at home with permission to go out is one of the worst punishments in the world.

Anyway, so he kept calling and we we're BSin'. All of a sudden Irish shows up there and Nic n' Irish are walking to the store to get more booze. Nic goes "Hey Irish, how much you money you got? Could you spare some for a taxi for this female?" and Irish is like "Who's that?" Nic replies "My homegirl Alisha." this part was the worst.....

"Oh you don't want her..." Nic replies "No dude, do you even know who I'm talking about?" Irish replies with some wierd comment I can't hear and Nic goes "Dude, I'm talking about the asian one that I was with when you kidnapped me that day." and he goes "Ya, the one who gave casey head."

.............

Nic comes back to the phone kinda laughing and goes "Hey, I've got a question for you." and I reply with a quick "yes." and he proceeds to ask me if I gave knew casey and if I gave him head. Nic laughed, saying that it means I've gotten over him. I know I've been over Nic for a few months atleast now, but to have him laugh at me like that....

Now what was supposed to be harmless, shameless fun has resulted in me feeling like a big fucking whore. No, I refused his ton of begging for sex, but the fact still remains that I feel like a slut. And to hear "you don't want her" from someone who's supposed to be part of my family..........it fucking stings like no other. Nic apologized for bringing it up cuz I told him I felt like a cheap whore...he's become so sincere....but.....

I feel so horrible. And I feel bad that I even attempted to have that kind of fun. And what's worse, Casey has a girlfriend. They started going out just after our little "fun" night.

So as the hot tears proceed to roll down my face I sit here writing. Hopeing that just telling SOMEONE will make it just a little better. If Sam ever found out what I've done he'd call me a cheap whore and never speak to me again. Now at this point I admit that losing him wouldn't bother me a HUGE deal, because I know I'm not IN love with him. I love the way he calls me baby and the way he says he loves me and the way he claims I'm his entire world. He tried to break up with me the other day. Maybe I should just end it. He even had the nerve to tell me "Go be with your ex, you'll be happier that way." and he said it more than once, to "go be with my ex"

I'm at such a loss, I have no idea what to do anymore........Hopefully tomorrow will have a brighter side. But nothing can change the fact that I feel like a whore and have the mindset that no man will ever want me again.....

Phone Call From The Past...

Yesterday I got a phone call. One that I was sort of dreading....but was happy to recieve anyway. I was so so tired sunday *which was my cousin cohen's 5th b-day party* and I ended up trying to sleep on the grass in the park, but it was just too cold and I slept very restlessly. I went home and took a shower and passed the FUCK out...it was only like 9pm. My phone I left in the living room because that's where my charger sleeps and I slept with my mom cuz I was too tired to clean up the mess all over the couch.

So I woke up at like 9am the next day *I slept all night, wierd huh?* and I looked at my phone and it told me I had one missed call from 1am...who the hell calls me at 1am?? So I check the list to see who it was and guess what? It was none other than Nic...

He left a message on my phone that went something along the lines of: "Hey Alisha, it's me Ring. Callin' to say hey, but I guess you're not gonna answer your phone. I don't know, maybe you hate me or something. But anyway *blah blah blah*" right? So I laughed and I thought of leaving him a message: 'Hey Nic, it's me Alisha. Callin' to check up on you, but I guess you're not gonna answer your phone, I don't know, maybe you're gay or something.' lol, Anyway, I decided I'd call him later.

Everyone left the house to go shopping and I just wasn't up to the task, so I stayed home and lay in bed for a while before starting up Fiesta and succeeding to do nothing but sit next to a gate for an hour before I logged out again. Anyway, while I wasn't in the mood to play, my phone rang. ya...it was Nic.

He had just woken up, and his first impulse is to call me again? WTF is up with that!? Mais...It was so fun. We talked a little about what's goin' on with us lately. From the sound of it, he ditched his girlfriend again. But we also talked about us in the past...how we used to be and how things were back then. Against my better judgement I flirted shamelessly with the man who broke my heart...We talked for a good couple of hours before he had to go...I was happy....but.......sad at the same time...

I'm so extremely tired lately, no ammount of sleep seems to help. I slept a full 8 hours last night, and starting at 2pm I was already ready for sleep again. I'm feeling so extremely vulnerable too. My aunt came home today and made a comment about how I don't do anything so I should atleast do some cleaning around the house. Even though the comment was actually a shot at my uncles sister who lives down stairs...it really hurt to hear that from my aunt....It made me feel like crap and even now the voice in my head is screaming at me, reassuring me how worthless I am. It's days like this when I wish it was just over...everything....

I'm tired...I think I'm going to try to eat something and then maybe lay down...if they let me that is.....

Melodies of Life...

So there's this AMAZING contest on DeviantART that I wanna enter, which the picture has to be done by next month and I'm kinda freakin' out because my laptop is outta commission due to the damn cord is broken...AGAIN!! >_< This time it wasn't the power supply itself, it was the damn jack that broke off into my computer for no damn reason...ANYWAY!! The theme of the contest is "Good vs. Evil" ...now, this should be something I would JUMP at with my over willingness to draw angels and demons...but I don't want that to be in this picture. One of the things they're judging on is creativity, hence Angels*good* vs. Demons*evil* would be a "eh" idea compaired to the many amazing deviants on deviant art. So I got to thinking....What is "Good vs. Evil" and I thought...well it's essentially "right against wrong" and then I remembered a movie with the following line: "Good vs. Evil. Right against wrong. Doing what you think is right, even when no one else will help you." Which STILL didn't give me a great idea for my picture *sigh* Mais...

I was laying on the couch, dreadfully hot and wanting to sleep a bit before we head out to the gym and then off to the doctors office with my big sister. I was somewhat trying to fall asleep while listening to the music on my phone...which is all "danceish" music due to the fact that I listen to that when I'm working out...but...all of a sudden I wanted to listen to "Melodies of Life" from Final Fantasy IX...and I got a pained flash of me laying in bed...listening to this song....and the only thing I could think about was Nic....

So I opened up mom's laptop *which I have temporarily overed on to get my Fiesta fix* and drew up dizzler. I searched for "Melodies of Life" from FFIX...I also pulled up the lyrics...and as I lay here listening to that song...I couldn't help but cry...and the more I read the lyrics, the more I wanted to sob until I couldn't breath anymore...I could see myself...laying in bed with him...it was the first night we'd spent together. This song played pretty much all night long. And even now...I don't know why I'm crying...Do I miss him, or how he made me feel? All I know is that I'm confused...and still feel so, so alone.

There's an immense hole in my heart, and a giant tear ripped in my soul...at this point I'd give up pretty much anything for the pain to stop. My chest is heavy, and my heart feels twisted up and tight...just like when he....

I don't want to think about it...I want to cry until I'm numb and have nothing left to do except pass out...I think I'll just cry until someone wakes up...maybe it'll make me feel a little better....

My First SakuraCon

Ok so most of this SakuraCon was a scouting mission!! Didn't go to a lot of pannels or movies but instead did A LOT of walking!! Cosplay and Pictures. That's pretty much all this years SakuraCon was about. I'm ALREADY stoked about going next year!! Big things planned!! **Wants to plan and do a skit with my friends!!!!**

But for now, I will be happy with the videos on youtube and the millions of pictures from TONS of people all over the internet. Lovely Fox and Miss Loli took lots of pictures *my camera died and DOESN'T run on batteries* that I have amassed, but I'm too too lazy to upload the lot, ha! maybe in a few days my mind will change.

Ok so my last minute costume was TRUELY last minute, and I DEFINITELY be more prepaired for next year *omg, need advanced costume AND $1,000 for the MILLIONS of awesome things they sell there!!* I wasn't the only Night Class student *or Cross Academy Student for that matter* BUT!! I'm pretty sure mine was the only one that was made and not bought from a cosplay store. I was pretty happy with the way it all looked together =^^=

But I'm so tired, so I shall leave you with a video that is really cute *starts off a little boring, but then gets funny!* and the video that almost killed me *rofled to death* Enjoy them, I know I will, for they are forever in my favorites!

Long and Drawn Out....

So nothing REALLY has changed since my last blog, but I did go to sissy's where we layed around the house all day watching anime, lol. I fell in love with Vampire Knight and decided to dress up as a Night Class Student from Cross Academy for Sakura-Con which I NEED to start making nowwwwwwwwwww >_<

But I guess I'm writing to tell of my stupid father rummaging thru my crap. Ya, he went into my room, into my closet and opened my closed and somewhat locked locker looking for scrap change to exchange for booze. On his crusade he happened to find my relatively unopened and unused under the bed bondage kit which I got like a year ago thanx to sissy *gift card!!*

I guess it's my fault that I just threw it in my locker on the bottom shelf and didn't "hide" it properly, but it was the only place to put it while Carl n' his family were in my room that I KNOW they wouldn't open. Hence my locker was shut and had my ID wrapped around the damn handles.

Since he dared rummage thru my locker, that makes me sure that he went thru the cupboard next to my bed *which has my ICP necklace wrapped around ALL the handles* and found my vibrator too which I DID hide in a bag in the back of my locker on the bottom shelf, but took it out when I moved back in with my dad *before he was sent away that is >.>* damn it >_<

ANYWAY, I've found some AMAZING Vampire Knight art and I REALLY wanna try making some, also making some chibi's of the Ouran High School Host Club, especially the Hitachiin Twins!!!!!!!!!! <33333333333333333333333333333333 And of course the amazing Tamaki Suou! But I've been kind of...out drawn lately...even with the new inspiration to make some awesome work...I just feel...drained...

I also want to write some more fanfics!! I haven't written any in years!! I feel rusty, but I KNOW I can still do better then some of the crap I attempted to read today!! It makes me think, "Hey! I should write a story and then turn it into a doujinshi!!" But a solo project like that is so time consuming, and with my lack of true inspiriation *instead of spikes of interest* and nothing to keep me going makes me hesitate. The drawings are definitely possible, and the drafts or or raw versions of fanfics are easy, but a whole doujin!? I'd need atleast ONE person telling me all the time that it needs to be done!!

Anyway, I going to finish watching Family Guy and read sum more doujin/fanfics.

Love!

P.S. I'll check in right before Sakura-Con to put down some pre-con feelings and jitters!!

Blood

I saw blood tonight and it's not even a full moon...
No...It wasn't my own blood. It was the blood of my drunken father. Dried on his hand from a gash in his head.

It was a little after 11pm when mom came out into the living room and told me to go with her to the apartment. Dad had called her and told her that he'd fallen, hit his head, and that he was bleeding. Fearing for his life, we both rushed over to the apartment. He was fine. It wasn't a huge gash, but it was a decent sized one that he'll DEFINITELY feel in the morning, just above his right brow.

He kept ragging on me for "pretending to be a vampire" and not wanting to stare at the dried blood on his hand in awe. Then he kept demanding that I give him a lighter, like I'm supposed to carry one on me at all times. Mom and I walked out...

I really don't know how much more of this I can handle, I'm going to break soon, and when I do, it won't be pretty. I'm afraid that no ammount of talking to anyone over this is going to help me. I need a distraction. I need a man, of course, that's sadly the only thing that will keep my mind off of being miserable. I am a codependant, like my mom. I'm severly dependant on the prescence of a man in my life, and since my dad is no longer an option, my craving for a lover has increased 200 fold. I'm scared, angry and sad all at the same time.

What will happen to me if dad decides to take himself up on his offer of "going to the spirit world?" I'm scared to think of it, all my emotions bundle up even thinking of it....if it actually happens.............

What kind of lives must my family have lead to get this kind of sorrow and pain? I was talking with Raimey the other day...and we realized how sad it is...we're only 19, and we're ready to be done. Too much greif in my short life blocks out all the good things that've happened. My mind tends to dwell on things I did wrong, things I could've done better, things that make me sad and things that hurt me. In some sick sadistic way...I think I like hurting. I like the feeling because I can't seem to find even a glimmer of what was once true happiness. Too small the light in my heart, the flame grows duller and duller with each bad occurance, making the dark grow stronger around me. Trapping me once again...

I need something to do to distract me...I'm going to finish the picture I left to rush over to the apartment now...